A sad day

I am shaking as I start this post but feel the need to write. I'm sure many of you have heard but in case you haven't, my older brother Jesse passed away yesterday. He has been living here in our home with us since August.

I'm having such a difficult time processing this all. This has been the most eternally long day. It feels like everything is just in slow motion. My heart is broken for Jesse, my heart is broken for our family, but most of all I think my heart is broken for my mother and father. I cannot hold Lucy enough today. We have had many kind offers from neighbors and friends to watch her for us today but she is the sunshine of this home. She is our firstborn baby, our oldest child. And Jess was my parents'. He was once their tiny baby boy. And I ache so very badly for them.

I am grateful to know that Heavenly Father is aware of us. He has been with us today. Thank you so much for so many of you who have expressed love and support during this time. Please keep our family in your prayers. We love you Jesse.

More than Thankful.

I saw this video on my friend Kacy's blog. I had to copy. Because it made me feel all warm. I love this time of year. I love the kindness and good feelings that come along with it.

I overflow with gratitude this year. To use the word "thankful" feels sadly inadequate. Any words do, but words are what I have, so bear with me. I am thankful for the richness of my life. A life full of love and companionship. I am thankful for feeling deeply. I watched "My sister's keeper," the other night with my sister-in-law Cathy and my husband. I ugly-face bawled from start to finish, didn't hold back. We were all emotional. The three of us sat there afterward and talked, and we laughed so hard all puffy eyed (mostly Cathy and me. Jason may have been a little teary-eyed but I don't think he reached puffiness). I thought about how good it felt... to feel emotion deeply. Cathartic. Regardless of the what kind of emotion it is, it's what makes you know you are alive. Poignantly at that. The human soul craves that depth of feeling. I love the arts that makes me feel that depth. I'm so thankful for it. And especially for the people in my life for whom I feel so deeply.

I am so utterly thankful for repentence. Words cannot express. I'm so thankful for the mercy of God the Father for knowing how much we would lose our way during this life and for preparing a plan for our redemption from sins. I'm thankful for Jesus Christ; his perfect example and his willingness to die so that I can be made whole if I will repent. I'm thankful that there is no limit in how much He will allow me turn to Him and start over. I will not allow His sacrifice to go in vain in my life. He has healed me so many times and I will need His succor many many times over still. Anything and everything I have been able to overcome in this life, I owe to Him. I'm so thankful for knowing Him. I am thankful for truth. I'm thankful to know the Savior will return one day. I look at the evil and suffering taking place in the world and am so thankful for the surety and comfort of knowing that it will end when He does come. Until then, I know there is more good that needs to be accomplished, and I'm thankful to know I have the priviledge of taking part in it.

I'm thankful for goodness; for good, moral people of all faiths and backgrounds. That they are striving to make the world a better place and to be better people. I'm thankful that they are still trying to listen to that still small voice of right and wrong. I'm thankful that they stand up for good and righteousness in such a troubled world and in troubled times. I'm thankful for the hope they give me.

She entertains us. Indeed she does.

Lucy and I went to the mall the other day with our friends Candice, Trent and Hadley. We popped into Victoria's Secret for about 30 seconds and decided there was nothing in particular calling our names, so we left. Little did I know that there was indeed a little something special that caught Lucy's eye that she apparently could not live without. I found these pretties draped around her neck as we continued to walk the mall. Who knew she already has a preference of panty color? And a real knack for shoplifting? We returned them, and as a lesson I made her admit to stealing to the store manager and then write, "I will not steal panties and wear them around my neck," 100 times when we got home. But if I had no morals, I bet she could reel me in a lot of "free" loot. I bet we could probably have a fairly lucrative system going on.

Another funny thing happening lately is when she tries to wriggle down from her crib. This has happened a handful of times now, and she hasn't quite caught on that while her legs fit, she has this torso that just doesn't. After putting her to bed or down for her nap, I can always tell what's she's done by the amount of scuffling and grunting that's going on through the monitor. And then she cries. Not pained cries, just yelling out for help. She can't get herself free either when this happens, her little thighs are wedged. So we can't help but be entertained. And snap a few pictures before helping her out of her predicament. I wanna tell her that she's doing this to herself, but maybe it's a little premature for accountability talks. Or maybe not pointing it out to her but allowing her to reflect upon it and introspect would be a more effective teaching method.

I would think it was even funnier if it didn't remind me of this: (which slightly creeps me out).

The other day Jason got out the leaf blower and Lucy protested wildly to it. How could he??

There was a lot of fake crying and pleading involved. It wasn't so much the fact that she was so opinionated about it that struck us; it was more that she did all in her power to stop the wrong that was taking place and restore peace and harmony to her back yard. 'Atta girl. She knows how to fight for her convictions.

She strayed from dad occasionally and would wander through the yard racking her brain strategizing a more effective plan of action, but always ended up looking over in his direction longingly and continuing the protest.

We want to laugh with her and not at her, but she doesn't know yet just how funny she is. So laughing with her will simply have to come later.

Think Pink.

It appears that Lucia will have a SISTER!!

We went in Friday and the tech said she was 99.9% sure that this is a girl. "Are you sure you're reading the percentage meter in your brain right? I mean, maybe you're just like 97 or 94% sure." She's been doing this for over 10 years, she said in response to my incredulity. "But my mother's intuition has been telling me that this is a boy, so I don't really think you know," I told her, and "I demand to see some certification or something... from your ultrasound technician school," and "by the way, we want our money back". No, that didn't happen, but we were really surprised! It was more like a lot of Are you sure? and Really? I guess it shouldn't have come as such as surprise, I mean we already know we know how to make a girl, and a rather delectable one if I do say so myself. This pregnancy has just been totally different. I have been equally sick this round as I was with Lucy but with Luce I was throwing up a lot more, but would feel better a lot earlier in the day. This time I have only thrown up 3 times, but the nausea has completely dragged on all day long. However, I have been equally beasty both rounds, so maybe that should have told me something. Anywho, we've been looking at boy clothes and thinking of boys names so what a fun and surprising revelation! Speaking of that mother's intuition of "having a feeling", I don't know if I believe in it. Aside from spiritual confirmations of gender (which I whole-heartedly believe happen) I don't really know if people can feel what it is. I think people that say, "I knew it was a boy the whole time," when it turns out to be a boy, either have more to the story that they are not sharing, or just guess right. I mean you have a 50/50 chance of guessing right, so the odds are pretty good.

So we're SO excited! I was hoping for another girl right when we found out we were expecting because they would be so close in age and sisters are one of the sweetest things in life! So the tears flowed freely when she told us. And, I'm not gonna lie, I am relieved because I am fully and completely ready for this child right this second. I don't have to buy a single thing, if I don't want to (unlikely, but at least it's totally by choice, not necessity). It's just a good feeling. Wonder what she'll be like. I have been feeling her move like crazy for the last couple weeks, and she feels a little feisty but mostly sweet, just like her sister. (And her mother, of course. Don't you forget sweet little me.)

Well I haven't been the sweetest lately, but it's coming! I have been feeling so much better! My pregnancy-emotions-pendulum has started to swing in the complete opposite direction, which means I'm still very emotional but it's mostly like, at least once I day my eyes get all teary and I look at Jason and tell him in a high pitched half whisper, "I just never thought I'd be so lucky! Why am I so lucky?! You are the greatest husband on earth!! I'm just so happy!" which is a nice change up of emotional climate for us all. I have been feeling extra mushy. And let's not even talk about me finishing the 7th Harry Potter last night (yes, first time reading them through. Shout out to all my HP nerds out there!). Bawled my stinkin' eyes out. Constant flow of tears, sopping my soaking wet face with the sleeve of my sweatshirt, spreading eye make-up all over the place while I'm at it, relieved that husband is fast asleep. And now I'm tempted to bawl just because it's over, and man we had a great journey, didn't we? Me, Ron, Hermione and Harry.

It's an interesting thing. I remember wanting to show so bad with Lucy. Stuffing things up my shirt, imagining in awe how I would look fully ripe with child. It was like the swollen-ness could not come soon enough. This time around, it's not like I don't want to show, because there is a human being growing in there so I know it's inevitable, I just feel pretty indifferent towards it. I don't really mind either way if people are looking at me wondering if I'm pregnant or if I'm just putting on some winter insulation, because both things are true. I don't feel the need to let them know the specifics though, when with Lucy it was like, everywhere I went, "the thing is, I'm pregnant" with an adoring little smile. I certainly wish I was as excited about showing this round, because everything is happening exponentially more rapidly. The thickening and loss of waistline started happening immediately. I'm at 17 weeks now and the belly has popped for sure, depending on what I'm wearing you may even be able to catch a glimpse of it.

Even though I know I'm showing and I'm trying to embrace the expansion, I guess it's still funny how you feel a little defensive. Like, I can say I look pregnant but if anyone else implies, it's like, "What?? Really? I thought it was all in my head." Last week we were at Becky and Brandon's house (Jason's sister) and she is pregnant too! With her first. About a week ahead of me. She has been trying to tell me she is showing just as much as me, I've been saying no, not possible because my uterus has been through this before, we know the ropes, yada yada yada. So we're standing next to each other comparing curves, and I definitely have a couple inches on her, but we're going back and forth when Jason (gallant husband that he is) steps in and says, "Yeah right Becky. There's no way you're as big as Meradith," in a matter-of-fact way, voice trailing off slightly as he is finishing his sentence and as I look from my belly up into his face, slightly confused. I felt slightly stung and we stared awkwardly at each other for a moment, vacant expression on my face. He wore apprehension on his. I couldn't really be offended, could I? Because the man spoke truth. And after all, he was coming to my aide, wasn't he? He was defending my side of the argument, agreeing with me. He was doing the right thing, wasn't he?

On our way home, I said to him, "Remember how you were all, 'Yeah right Becky, Meradith is soooo much fatter than you!'" (in the most retarded male impersonation voice I could muster). He started laughing, "I know! I thought, What am I saying??" I told him it was a really good one and we hi-fived and had a good laugh about it. But it's like when I'm trying on clothes in the fragile state that I am and complaining that I just look bad in everything and nothing fits right, I have to remind him that by simply remaining silent in such instances, he is agreeing with me whole-heartedly. He must object. He cannot remain uninvolved. Friends don't let pregnant friends trash self-esteems.

Back to the point of this post! You go girls!! We are truly elated to have another daughter join the ranks.