Yesterday we traveled up to Idaho Falls and went to the funeral of the father of one of my best friends, Stacy. He passed away a week ago today. He was so young, and it was so sudden. I can’t begin to comprehend the profundity of emotion that she has felt this past week and what she will continue to feel, along with Nic, Jodee and Teresa, the rest of her family. I am so sorry Stace. As your friend I have felt so helpless knowing you are suffering in this way. I wish there was something I could do to alleviate it.

Death is such a strange thing to me, so bizarre and utterly baffling. There’s just no way that we are able to prepare ourselves for these kinds of turning points in life. It is mind-blowing how pivotal and eternally impactful the events of just a few moments can be. Brandi, another one of my best friends since childhood, lost her father 6 years ago this month also. We attended the funeral of Jason's cousins’ husband, just a few weeks ago. He was a 30 year old man who died of cancer, leaving his wife and two tiny boys behind, both under the age of three. I don't understand how anyone could live this life believing that there is nothing after. With how fragile and delicate our bodies are, and how suddenly we are taken, how can anyone really believe this is all that there is? What would be our purpose here?

It was a wonderful service. Such a sweet tribute to a wonderful man. One of the speakers touched on some things that really stood out to me. What he said rang true to me. He said, and I'm paraphrasing... that “it hurts so much to lose the ones we love most. But what would the alternative way to feel be? To feel nothing at all? We hurt so much because we love so much. To deeply feel sorrow is far greater at any time than feeling nothing at all. Where there is an absence of pain over loss, there is an absence of love. Mourning is the deepest expression of love.”

I also stole this quote from a blog of a friend of mine who lost her little two year old baby girl a few months ago. She entitled the post, "Sadness is underrated." It's an excerpt from an article that came out in the Chronicle Review by Eric G. Wilson. “I for one am afraid that American culture's overemphasis on happiness at the expense of sadness might be dangerous, a wanton forgetting of an essential part of a full life. I further am concerned that to desire only happiness in a world undoubtedly tragic is to become inauthentic, to settle for unrealistic abstractions that ignore concrete situations. I am finally fearful of our society's efforts to expunge melancholia. Without the agitations of the soul, would all of our magnificently yearning towers topple? Would our heart-torn symphonies cease?”

I believe these things. I believe that our ability to feel joy will increase with the depths of sadness we experience. I believe that suffering is crucial to enriching our lives and permitting us to develop character and depth. There must be divine purpose to it all, mustn't there? Yes, there must.

I know that life continues after death. I know the separation is only temporary, and that we will be reunited with our lost loved ones; "for they are not lost unto the Father, for He knoweth whither He hath taken them". The Savior has provided a way. I know that the atonement of Jesus Christ has provided the complete remedy for any and every kind of heartbreak that we are called upon to face. I know that all human pain and suffering has its limits. It can only last so long. It is only a matter of time; until all will be restored, until all wounds will be healed. Stacy, I'm sorry. I love you. In the midst of this all I pray you can feel Father in Heaven's love for you and find comfort there.

“A fair is a veritable smorgasbord…"

"…Each night, when the lights go out it can be found on the ground all around…”

Just realized that heading is yet another Charlotte’s Web reference. I don’t know how many of you have any Charlotte’s Web lines on your blog, but I have managed to incorporate them on many occasions. It’s a talent.

Friday afternoon we headed up to the state fair! For some reason I always have to talk myself into wanting to go to the fair, even though once I’m there I always love it. I always dread the parking, the hoards of people and their cigarette smoke. I think the roots of those feelings are from childhood, being the kid who got sick on every ride. While I do still have a hatred for rides at the fair, honestly who can get enough of the funnel cakes and elephant ears? Deep fried twinkies and corn on the cob? Among other attractions that keep me coming back for more are the knock-off purses, the proud farmers and their blue ribbon livestock, the unbelievable number of mullets in sight. People watching can be the most entertaining at the state fair. I’m always amazed at how many people are STILL rocking the mullet Joe Dirt style. Do they not know? Or do they know and just not care? Each year the state fair seems to be a mullet convention where they gather in from all corners of the state.

We had fun looking at all the animals, and I’ll admit that a tender chord was struck as we watched this enormous sow laying there in the hay with her seven piglets nursing. On a side note, aren’t pigs the strangest animals? Those hideous snouts? Those curly tails? That pink skin and wiry hair that almost looks like the hair on an old man’s back? They sortof give me the creeps, but watching that mama with her babies was probably one of the cutest/grossest things I’ve ever seen. There she was, exhausted and weary. And those little stinkin piglets were so rough with her! It hurt me to watch them nurse. We shared a moment, when her eye caught mine. A single tear dropped down my face, and one down hers as well. She felt the compassion I had for her. I walked away feeling grateful that I only had to give birth to one baby at a time, grateful to be only nursing my one little gem at a time, and grateful that I only have the capacity to nurse two, at most at a time, not 7. And grateful that I wouldn’t one day be Tiny Tim’s Christmas ham. My lot is not a difficult one.

On Saturday we went to the BYU football game! Lucy had her second babysitting experience of her life, with Grandma Christensen. Though I did miss her horribly and thought about her every other 2 seconds, I was pretty proud of myself for not calling the ma-in-law constantly. In fact, I sent her only two texts the whole time we were gone. When we got home she was safe and sound as expected and they spent a wonderful afternoon together, as did Jason and me. Thank you Linda! Oh and P.S. She has been smiling- like really smiling-the last couple weeks, (I'm referring to Lucia... not my mother in law in case you were wondering) the morning hours are her finest. It has nearly been more than I can bear. She nearly gets pummeled everytime she does it. (You fellow mothas know how the cuteness of your children trigger the pummeling tendency). As for the game, who saw that unbelievable spanking coming? NO ONE!! I started to feel sorry for UCLA, blah… how hard would it be to keep running in and off the field when the score is 59-zip in the middle of the third quarter? Those fumbles made me sad for them, too. Talk about kicking yourself when you're down! I really couldn’t believe my eyes. Poor chaps. While I did feel bad for the guys, the elation of the win definitely won out on the emotion spectrum! Jason reminded me last night that the Oregon Ducks head coach said two years ago (after we spanked them at the Vegas bowl) that BYU would at best be mediocre as a PAC-10 team. Mediocre? Ya think?? Ooooh the Utah game should be interesting this year!! GO COUGS!!

La vida es bella

After feeling sorry for myself for part of the day last Thursday, my birthday turned out to be really great! I know most of you have been on pins and needles wondering if I snapped out of it or not, and I did. Jason took me up to Sundance that night for dinner, it was really wonderful.

He took me up there once when we first started dating but this was the first time we were back since then. I love to remember those fond memories. My oh my how life changes so fast. It's pretty unbelieveable. Blows my mind actually. Lucy snoozed away ever so peacefully next to us so we not only had dinner together, it turned out to be a romantic (woo woo!) dinner together.

Who says romance is over when you have a baby!? What's not romantic about poopy diapers in the middle of the night?! What's not romantic about lending your wife's bod in every way imaginable to this new little person 24 hours a day?! What's not romantic about me still not showered and smelling like spit up when Jason gets home from work?! I don't know about you, but we are completely overflowing in the romance department. Like.. so much romance we have no idea what to do with it all! We'll probably start teaching a couples seminar pretty soon I'll let you know when you can sign up and what the enrollment fee will be.

Haha... all joking aside, being a parent is the absolute greatest. I can't imagine anything in this life that could be so fulfilling and rewarding. She makes me swoon continually and to those of you who are new mothers, don't you feel like you love your child more than any other mother ever has loved her child? Don't you feel like, "Yeah, I know they are big fans too... but no one else really feels about their tiny tot the way I feel about mine." I thought the same thing when Jason and I were newlyweds. I thought no one was in love as much as we were. I still feel like that but I won't try to one-up people or anything when they say they are really in love. I usually just believe them:)

We left for Bear Lake the next morning and that was a lot of fun too. It's pretty much like one big happy family at NorthStar! It was just the managers and not their wives, boo hoo...(which left me asolutely pining for you to those wives who are reading this.. you know who you are.) Jess, Lucia and I were completely outnumbered but it was a much needed break. I realized it's really hard for me to relax at home because all of the things I should or could be doing are swarming around my head like houseflies. It was nice to get away and to NOT have the option to do housework or organize. We stayed at an AWESOME lodge and while I passed on the wave-riding (it was seriously 60 degrees!) one of my favorite highlights was riding these rhinos...

Had to get the before and after shots of the hair.

This is how most of our boys came back...

Here is Mike on the right and on the left we have... dang it! I knew which one you were when we were riding! Paul and Josh are identical twins and get strangely irritated when they are called the other's name. I happen to think that being "identical" twins implies that people have the freedom to call you either name, interchangeably. Or both. I wanna say it's Josh but for now, here is Mike and Posh. (ya know, like Bennifer? Ash or Cass, tell me whose husband this is.) These two actually tipped their rhino onto it's side off the trail, and apparently Jason and I went soaring on past them when it happened. Don't know how we missed them haha. They were lucky they didn't break an arm or something. Boys can be a bit dangerous when given free reign with motorized vehicles, but luckily everyone came back safe and sound. You know how I worry, you boys are like sons to me.

Will you marry me?

Jason proposed to me two years ago today. Sometimes I don’t think that he had any idea of what he was getting himself into. “Will you marry me?” What a question. Four simple words but what magnitude and power they carry. Will you share the rest of your life and eternity with me? Will you bear my burdens with me and allow me to bear yours today and forever? Will you trust me wholly and completely with every single aspect of your life? Will you give yourself to me in each and every way that is possible to give? Will you surrender all your walls and barriers and let yourself be completely vulnerable to me? Will you have all my children and raise them with me? Will you be my permanent roommate, my business partner, my pupil and my mentor, my nurse, my cook and sometimes my maid, and most loyal ally and confidant? Will you be willing to make compromises and sacrifices and allow yourself to change forever for the benefit of this relationship?

What a question.

Some of you know this story but I’m going to tell it anyway. I love it. I happen to think it’s the best proposal story of all time, all bias aside:) Two years ago today we were in Kauai. My parents were living in Hawaii at the time, on Oahu, so we had been there for a few days but decided to hop on a plane to Kauai to see that island for a couple of days. Jason and I had talked about getting married and had browsed at rings but I had no idea he had it already and that he was planning to pop the question while we were there. We had just flown in that morning. Little did I know Jason had asked my dad earlier that morning for my hand. To this day he claims it was the “most awkward conversation of my life.” haha that’s a whole other story, pretty funny. We rented a jeep, went to the hotel where we were staying, dropped off our things… and I was ready to lay beachside and relax. Jason had other plans. We decided to take a drive up to the North shore. Kauai is UNREAL. They filmed Jurassic Park there, and it really is one of the more jungly and tropical islands. The drive was amazing, perfect temperature with the top of the jeep down. That smell that only Hawaii has, those of you who’ve been. Plumeria and the ocean. So we pulled in and Jason says he wants to go hiking. Jason is all about the ten milers or so and I’m gonna be honest I was less than thrilled at this point… telling him I’d rather be basking in the sun and relaxing. Plus the only shoes I had were gleaming white brand new Nikes and I didn’t want to get them dirty. True story. Despite my petitions, we were going.

Off we went up this trail through the thickest greenery. It was a decent incline for the first little while but I think being slightly annoyed that we weren't lounging poolside was a benefit for me because my competitiveness kicked in and I didn’t want him gaining on me. So I had no problem hauling up that mountain. It was so beautiful. Shortly after, I lost my attitude and was so glad we were there. The trail went out all along the coast and was absolutely breath-taking. (The trail was indeed muddy but I hiked with precision and care the whole time and actually kept my shoes fairly gleaming white, for those of you who were worried.) After about two miles we hiked down onto this beach and decided to play around for a while. There were other people on the trail but when we went down onto the beach we were the only ones there. It was about 5:00 by this point…We swam in the ocean. There was a cruise ship on the horizon. It could not have been more perfect. We got out and dry off a little and Jason says he wants to set the video camera up on one of the rocks and film us, “We don’t have any of the both of us together on tape.” I don’t think much of it. Well he sets up the camera, takes my hand and leads me away from it a few feet. He’s not saying ANYTHING and I start to bug him, “What. What is it? What’s on your mind? What’s going on?” still not picking up on what he’s about to do. I just could tell there was something he wasn’t telling me. He just keeps kissing me and finally drops to one knee. “I wanted to ask you if you’d marry me,” as he pulled out the ring box and opened it up. I’ll never forget his face as I looked down at him completely stunned. I dropped to my knees myself, told him yes and we shared an unbelievably emotional, magical, unforgettable moment together.

The sun was setting behind us and we knew we had to hike back to the car in daylight so we had to hurry. That hike back was something else. I couldn’t have cared less about my shoes. I was clumsy as ever on our way back, could not stop staring at my left hand. I was lucky not to twist an ankle or something. It started lightly raining. It was getting darker by the second. We made it to the car, both soaking from the rain and sweat. History was changed that day. Our lives would never be the same. What a wonderful question to ask. Most wonderful thing anyone has ever asked me.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

Ok. Those of you who are older than me may not want to read ahead. This post might slightly annoy you… like listening to a 90 pounder whining about how fat she is. In fact, I’m already annoying myself. Blah. So it’s my birthday today. I’m 25 years old. Yippee, hooray, whoopideedo, ladi-da. If you couldn't already tell, I’m feeling sorry for myself today. Ya know those days when you know you should just snap out of it and you know you’re being completely ridiculous?? But you don’t really want to? You just want to wallow in it like a little piglet in the mud?? Yes. That is me, I am piglet. Snorting and wallowing and bingeing from my trough of self pity. The truth is, I know I am blessed beyond belief and I never really have any reason to complain. But, let's be human. This is the first birthday I’ve ever felt an ounce of despair about the coming of age. I am half way through my twenties. Well on my way to my thirties. Not to mention, I’m a mom! Which in and of itself is the most glorious thing that has ever happened to me but just knowing I belong to the “mom” club… ya know… when people have frumpy haircuts and clothes, what do you say? “That hair… that outfit…etc… is sooo mommish…” and we girls know EXACTLY what we mean when we say that. Guess I’m no spring chicken! I’m really all grown up. (really?!? yes, really.)

I think some of the depression also comes with realizing how much fun birthdays used to be. I couldn’t even sleep the night before my sister’s birthdays because I knew I’d also be enjoying the loot, not to mention my wet-the-bed excitement on my own birthdays. It was like Christmas Eve!! Well get ready folks, let me tell you what I’ve done today. Woke up early, fed baby and started cleaning my house. Mostly our bedroom and doing laundry… ugh the bane of my existence. Then I did some exciting homework assignments! Then I fed baby again, got ready for the day (sorta.. I’m pretty much wearing just a dash of make up on half my face, and haven’t washed the nappy weave in 3 days or so because even at this length I don’t have time to do it!) and then I frolicked off to class. I told Jason last night I thought he should take the day off or half a day and we should do something fun together and he said he had some “really important meetings” today at work. “Oh really? Remember how you take the entire day off every single year on your birthday? And throw yourself a huge party at seven peaks? And you remind everyone that we can get them in for free if they bring you presents?” He just smiled and didn’t really have anything to say. But he did remind me with bright eyes that he is taking me to Bear Lake tomorrow, (another work retreat with all the NorthStar managers) and tried to make it sound as if he is whisking me away for a romantic birthday weekend.

Oink oink oink, wallow wallow wallow.

On a more positive note! Here is our little angel on her big day. This dress was a little big on her, but my great grand-mother made it, hand stitching! My grandmother was blessed in it and so was I, so you know she had to wear it. I'll have to see what other pics people got of her because these pics don't do this dress justice, I love it. It's really long and beautiful. I really couldn’t keep myself together during that entire meeting. I was just sobbing, I haven’t felt the spirit like that in a long time. It was so sublime. Jason’s words were so tender and sincere. You could feel the love he has for her in his voice. He said wonderful things. Thank you to all of you who were there, and especially to those of you who traveled to be there for it. Mom and Dad, Nessa and Sam, Bethany (best surprise ever!) Jesse and Cindy, Cathy, thank you. (We missed you Abe and Tiff!) It was wonderful having my family in town as it always is… it always leaves me with withdrawals.

So I know I posted some pics last time of the cousins but I can't resist... we took these ones and I was dying lauging the whole time. Poor little bird Lucia... she was a bit traumatized and left the ordeal feeling pretty self-conscious and slighly embarrassed.

Leah and Lucy best cousins forever

My older sister Bethany ended up coming as well and brought her little munchkin. Isaiah is 7 months old but honestly I feel like he should be fully potty trained already. Is he really still considered a baby?? hahaha soooo fun

A few more...

Wow I really have so much to tell you about. What an insanely hectic week... between Jason's triathlon, me starting school again, friends and family flying into town for Lucy's blessing on Sunday (including my older sister surprising me from Arizona!!) and the shin-dig we had afterwards... I could go on for hours. However, I'm not going to. I'm so tired. I just don't have the energy to. I will say that Jason gave Lucia the most tender, beautiful blessing on Sunday (I will post about that event later on this week). We got the photo session on disk from our photographer and I thought I'd share a few more with you. This wee lass is absolutely the most beautiful thing in the world to me.

Vanessa had Amy come back over to take some pics of her little fatty...go to her blog to see some of the shots she got of Leah!! oh my goodness you will die. We were able to get a few of the cousins! Oh what fun having little Leah Mae here! Not quite as little as I remember her! I can't believe only 2 1/2 months are between these two! Luc is definitely the family runt for now.