More than Thankful.

I saw this video on my friend Kacy's blog. I had to copy. Because it made me feel all warm. I love this time of year. I love the kindness and good feelings that come along with it.

I overflow with gratitude this year. To use the word "thankful" feels sadly inadequate. Any words do, but words are what I have, so bear with me. I am thankful for the richness of my life. A life full of love and companionship. I am thankful for feeling deeply. I watched "My sister's keeper," the other night with my sister-in-law Cathy and my husband. I ugly-face bawled from start to finish, didn't hold back. We were all emotional. The three of us sat there afterward and talked, and we laughed so hard all puffy eyed (mostly Cathy and me. Jason may have been a little teary-eyed but I don't think he reached puffiness). I thought about how good it felt... to feel emotion deeply. Cathartic. Regardless of the what kind of emotion it is, it's what makes you know you are alive. Poignantly at that. The human soul craves that depth of feeling. I love the arts that makes me feel that depth. I'm so thankful for it. And especially for the people in my life for whom I feel so deeply.

I am so utterly thankful for repentence. Words cannot express. I'm so thankful for the mercy of God the Father for knowing how much we would lose our way during this life and for preparing a plan for our redemption from sins. I'm thankful for Jesus Christ; his perfect example and his willingness to die so that I can be made whole if I will repent. I'm thankful that there is no limit in how much He will allow me turn to Him and start over. I will not allow His sacrifice to go in vain in my life. He has healed me so many times and I will need His succor many many times over still. Anything and everything I have been able to overcome in this life, I owe to Him. I'm so thankful for knowing Him. I am thankful for truth. I'm thankful to know the Savior will return one day. I look at the evil and suffering taking place in the world and am so thankful for the surety and comfort of knowing that it will end when He does come. Until then, I know there is more good that needs to be accomplished, and I'm thankful to know I have the priviledge of taking part in it.

I'm thankful for goodness; for good, moral people of all faiths and backgrounds. That they are striving to make the world a better place and to be better people. I'm thankful that they are still trying to listen to that still small voice of right and wrong. I'm thankful that they stand up for good and righteousness in such a troubled world and in troubled times. I'm thankful for the hope they give me.

She entertains us. Indeed she does.

Lucy and I went to the mall the other day with our friends Candice, Trent and Hadley. We popped into Victoria's Secret for about 30 seconds and decided there was nothing in particular calling our names, so we left. Little did I know that there was indeed a little something special that caught Lucy's eye that she apparently could not live without. I found these pretties draped around her neck as we continued to walk the mall. Who knew she already has a preference of panty color? And a real knack for shoplifting? We returned them, and as a lesson I made her admit to stealing to the store manager and then write, "I will not steal panties and wear them around my neck," 100 times when we got home. But if I had no morals, I bet she could reel me in a lot of "free" loot. I bet we could probably have a fairly lucrative system going on.

Another funny thing happening lately is when she tries to wriggle down from her crib. This has happened a handful of times now, and she hasn't quite caught on that while her legs fit, she has this torso that just doesn't. After putting her to bed or down for her nap, I can always tell what's she's done by the amount of scuffling and grunting that's going on through the monitor. And then she cries. Not pained cries, just yelling out for help. She can't get herself free either when this happens, her little thighs are wedged. So we can't help but be entertained. And snap a few pictures before helping her out of her predicament. I wanna tell her that she's doing this to herself, but maybe it's a little premature for accountability talks. Or maybe not pointing it out to her but allowing her to reflect upon it and introspect would be a more effective teaching method.

I would think it was even funnier if it didn't remind me of this: (which slightly creeps me out).

The other day Jason got out the leaf blower and Lucy protested wildly to it. How could he??

There was a lot of fake crying and pleading involved. It wasn't so much the fact that she was so opinionated about it that struck us; it was more that she did all in her power to stop the wrong that was taking place and restore peace and harmony to her back yard. 'Atta girl. She knows how to fight for her convictions.

She strayed from dad occasionally and would wander through the yard racking her brain strategizing a more effective plan of action, but always ended up looking over in his direction longingly and continuing the protest.

We want to laugh with her and not at her, but she doesn't know yet just how funny she is. So laughing with her will simply have to come later.

Think Pink.

It appears that Lucia will have a SISTER!!

We went in Friday and the tech said she was 99.9% sure that this is a girl. "Are you sure you're reading the percentage meter in your brain right? I mean, maybe you're just like 97 or 94% sure." She's been doing this for over 10 years, she said in response to my incredulity. "But my mother's intuition has been telling me that this is a boy, so I don't really think you know," I told her, and "I demand to see some certification or something... from your ultrasound technician school," and "by the way, we want our money back". No, that didn't happen, but we were really surprised! It was more like a lot of Are you sure? and Really? I guess it shouldn't have come as such as surprise, I mean we already know we know how to make a girl, and a rather delectable one if I do say so myself. This pregnancy has just been totally different. I have been equally sick this round as I was with Lucy but with Luce I was throwing up a lot more, but would feel better a lot earlier in the day. This time I have only thrown up 3 times, but the nausea has completely dragged on all day long. However, I have been equally beasty both rounds, so maybe that should have told me something. Anywho, we've been looking at boy clothes and thinking of boys names so what a fun and surprising revelation! Speaking of that mother's intuition of "having a feeling", I don't know if I believe in it. Aside from spiritual confirmations of gender (which I whole-heartedly believe happen) I don't really know if people can feel what it is. I think people that say, "I knew it was a boy the whole time," when it turns out to be a boy, either have more to the story that they are not sharing, or just guess right. I mean you have a 50/50 chance of guessing right, so the odds are pretty good.

So we're SO excited! I was hoping for another girl right when we found out we were expecting because they would be so close in age and sisters are one of the sweetest things in life! So the tears flowed freely when she told us. And, I'm not gonna lie, I am relieved because I am fully and completely ready for this child right this second. I don't have to buy a single thing, if I don't want to (unlikely, but at least it's totally by choice, not necessity). It's just a good feeling. Wonder what she'll be like. I have been feeling her move like crazy for the last couple weeks, and she feels a little feisty but mostly sweet, just like her sister. (And her mother, of course. Don't you forget sweet little me.)

Well I haven't been the sweetest lately, but it's coming! I have been feeling so much better! My pregnancy-emotions-pendulum has started to swing in the complete opposite direction, which means I'm still very emotional but it's mostly like, at least once I day my eyes get all teary and I look at Jason and tell him in a high pitched half whisper, "I just never thought I'd be so lucky! Why am I so lucky?! You are the greatest husband on earth!! I'm just so happy!" which is a nice change up of emotional climate for us all. I have been feeling extra mushy. And let's not even talk about me finishing the 7th Harry Potter last night (yes, first time reading them through. Shout out to all my HP nerds out there!). Bawled my stinkin' eyes out. Constant flow of tears, sopping my soaking wet face with the sleeve of my sweatshirt, spreading eye make-up all over the place while I'm at it, relieved that husband is fast asleep. And now I'm tempted to bawl just because it's over, and man we had a great journey, didn't we? Me, Ron, Hermione and Harry.

It's an interesting thing. I remember wanting to show so bad with Lucy. Stuffing things up my shirt, imagining in awe how I would look fully ripe with child. It was like the swollen-ness could not come soon enough. This time around, it's not like I don't want to show, because there is a human being growing in there so I know it's inevitable, I just feel pretty indifferent towards it. I don't really mind either way if people are looking at me wondering if I'm pregnant or if I'm just putting on some winter insulation, because both things are true. I don't feel the need to let them know the specifics though, when with Lucy it was like, everywhere I went, "the thing is, I'm pregnant" with an adoring little smile. I certainly wish I was as excited about showing this round, because everything is happening exponentially more rapidly. The thickening and loss of waistline started happening immediately. I'm at 17 weeks now and the belly has popped for sure, depending on what I'm wearing you may even be able to catch a glimpse of it.

Even though I know I'm showing and I'm trying to embrace the expansion, I guess it's still funny how you feel a little defensive. Like, I can say I look pregnant but if anyone else implies, it's like, "What?? Really? I thought it was all in my head." Last week we were at Becky and Brandon's house (Jason's sister) and she is pregnant too! With her first. About a week ahead of me. She has been trying to tell me she is showing just as much as me, I've been saying no, not possible because my uterus has been through this before, we know the ropes, yada yada yada. So we're standing next to each other comparing curves, and I definitely have a couple inches on her, but we're going back and forth when Jason (gallant husband that he is) steps in and says, "Yeah right Becky. There's no way you're as big as Meradith," in a matter-of-fact way, voice trailing off slightly as he is finishing his sentence and as I look from my belly up into his face, slightly confused. I felt slightly stung and we stared awkwardly at each other for a moment, vacant expression on my face. He wore apprehension on his. I couldn't really be offended, could I? Because the man spoke truth. And after all, he was coming to my aide, wasn't he? He was defending my side of the argument, agreeing with me. He was doing the right thing, wasn't he?

On our way home, I said to him, "Remember how you were all, 'Yeah right Becky, Meradith is soooo much fatter than you!'" (in the most retarded male impersonation voice I could muster). He started laughing, "I know! I thought, What am I saying??" I told him it was a really good one and we hi-fived and had a good laugh about it. But it's like when I'm trying on clothes in the fragile state that I am and complaining that I just look bad in everything and nothing fits right, I have to remind him that by simply remaining silent in such instances, he is agreeing with me whole-heartedly. He must object. He cannot remain uninvolved. Friends don't let pregnant friends trash self-esteems.

Back to the point of this post! You go girls!! We are truly elated to have another daughter join the ranks.

It's family picture time again.

We love Amy. She is so talented. And we love apple orchards.

How did this happen? She is such a little girl. I am losing my tiny baby. Thank goodness another is on the way. Not a second too soon. My only comfort. Maybe I'll never stop having babies. (I must be feeling a lot better these days.)

Ludicrous Pregnancy Dreams part 2

Dream #1: I'm at my grandmother's house. (She passed away in 2001.) My dad's mom, our Nanna. We are all having a barbeque or something. I don't remember all the details but I do remember, suddenly my Nanna and I are out on the back patio alone. We are having easy conversation and hit a slightly awkward moment of silence. Nanna seizes this silence and starts to shakily get down on one knee. At that moment I realize: my Nanna is proposing to me! I don't wanna hurt her feelings. I have to let her down easy. I stop her before she gets all the way down on her knee. "Nanna, I can't! The thing is, I'm already married." She starts arguing with me about all the reasons we should get married. She is really upset, so I hear her out. She says, "You're just going to abandon me like everyone else! Why won't you commit?!" I keep telling her I'm already married, to Jason. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. And if I wasn't already married??? Why do I keep using that argument??! This is wrong on SO many levels!! "Nanna!" I yell, interrupting her. "Grandmas aren't supposed to marry grand-daughters! It isn't right! It's just not meant to be! And even if we weren't related, which we are, and it's not distant, we're both women!" She hears me out and it starts to resonate with her. I put my arm around her, both of us throwing our heads back, having a good laugh about it. We walk back inside to join the rest of the family as I'm thinking, Phew! That could have been really awkward! Nice save Mer!

#2. I'm a bridesmaid at Tamra's wedding. (That part did happen last weekend, in real life.) But in my dream she has asked me to wear this ridiculous little Richard wig:

Except mine is even worse than the real little Richard because mine's pulled down into my eyes for some reason, so I can't really see where I'm going. I keep wanting to take it off, but the voice in my head says, No. This is what Tamra wanted. It's her special day. Anything to make it perfect. So I'm a stumbling idiot running into things because I can't really see, and I can't seem to adjust the wig to move it out of my eyes either. While we're waiting for the ceremony to start in this strange chapel, I can't walk straight at all. My ankles keep wobbling and giving out on me. I look down at my stilettos to find that someone has sharpened my heals into razor sharp points! Who would do such a thing? And the other bridesmaids are being so mean to me. I'm asking them where we line up and they are just giving me crusty glares, like, "Who invited her??" The bridesmaids are all getting ready to sing the opening song of the wedding, an EFY song nonetheless, but we've never practiced it. We do a so-so job with it, and have to walk down from the "stage" to join the rest of the audience. I look down expecting to see stairs but only find a steep hard-wood slope that I've got to get down somehow in my razor sharp heals. I slip and tumble all the way down while the chapel full of guests watch, (Princess Bride style, without the yelling of As you wish as I roll). Lots of ex-boyfriends are present to witness this all.

#3: We are in Hawaii, snorkeling. Jason is wearing his red swim trunks and we are gliding along ever so peacefully above the coral and fish. We are in love and holding hands. We let go but I'm keeping his red shorts in the corner of my eye so we don't get too far apart. All the sudden I'm seeing the red shorts torpedoing away from me. Why is he swimming so fast all the sudden? So I'm struggling trying to keep up, dog paddling rapidly. But I'm still just barely trailing him, he's swimming much faster than me. He's trying to lose me? What the..??? He's gonna get an ear full when we resurface. I finally get close enough to grab his hand. He pulls it away and turns to face me underwater. We are in deep enough water that we are now floating vertically facing each other. As he's turning, I'm a little confused at how much being under water is distorting his body. Wow, he looks really different underwater. He looks totally scrawny, sunken in pecks and a total beer gut. Weird. I don't think much of it. He looks at me and I at him, still under the surface. He raises his arms and shrugs his shoulders at me as if to say, "What do you want??" And I don't know why he's been trying to escape me so I simply mimic him in return, do the shoulder shrug back, thinking, "What is your problem, Mister??" At that moment I notice silvery hair on top of his head above his mask, billowing in the sea water. With great horror, I see that this not only doesn't look like Jason, it is not him at all. No, no. It's in fact an old man, must be in his seventies. An old man who happened to wear red swim trunks as well that day. Panicked, I swim frantically to the nearest shallow spot where I can stand up, and when I do, I see the man of my dreams at least 20 feet away from me, standing up also, wondering where his bride has swam off to.

The strangest part about these dreams is that while the first two are indeed dreams I had in the same night, ridiculousness induced by pregnancy I'm sure, the last one is not, in fact, a dream at all. It indeed happened in reality, exactly as I describe it above. I really did underwater stalk an old man and I did try to hold his hand for a good 10 minutes or so, making him feel the need to hurriedly swim away from a dangerous young stranger trying to lure him into the depths of the ocean. I did even try to grab his leg at one point to get his attention, only to get my hand kicked off. We did stare awkwardly at each other for a good 60 seconds, and I did give him the shoulder shrug back, still thinking he was my husband. I could have given him a heart attack for heavens sake! Just needed to tell that story for the posterity. They need to know about the good blood that runs through their veins.

And yes he would still have me. Even after I tried to leave him for an older man.

Hallow's Eve.

We had a lucky bonus being in Arizona for Tamra's wedding. We got to spend Halloween with the Kaakoush family! It was a glorious night of festivities indeed.

Our tiny Tinkerbelle: Didn't realize just how cute that tiara was. Hated everything about it.

Beauty girls.

Man of the house. Can you even handle that hat? Complete with him walking around saying, "Arggg..." in his Barry White baby voice.

Lucy is enjoying herself the most by far. No one else is really even having fun, but she is really in her comfort zone. Clearly.

Whenever we got down there with around Bethany's 4 kids for the weekend, plus other cousins and neighborhood chitlins, Lucy is consumed and does a lot of deep pondering. Look at her, spacing right out.

Didn't quite know what to make of all that loot. Too bad she didn't partake of a single item of what she was collecting in the time that we trick or treated. And didn't even know what she was missing, the naive little lass! Next year I'm thinking it might be more difficult to hoard her candy for myself.

So we decided to leave it to Isaiah and call it a night after about a block and a half. He definitely knew what he was doing. Look at the fire in those eyes!

Here are a couple of shots from the girls soccer game that morning. Loved this picture because a lot of the weekend was spent like this; Isaiah loathing Lucy in his territory, eating his crackers, and playing with his toys; plotting some kind of revenge. Lucy, again, spacing out, contemplating the richness of this life... and the richness of eating Isaiah's crackers and playing with his toys...

And she didn't even know she was wearing leggings with combat boots. Don't you judge her don't you dare judge her!

Wedding Bells. And lots of pictures.

This last Saturday I had the opportunity to fly down to Arizona to be a bridesmaid for one of my besties Tamra. She was a radiant bride in every sense of the word. So happy and so beautiful. Loved being a part of this day. Even while pregnant. :) (I mean I'm pregnant. Not Tamra.)

It is a wonderful thing to see someone you love so much reach such an important milestone in life. I'm so proud of her.

Don't know why this secret weapon of a pose was what I whipped out when the photographer said, "Everyone, just talk amongst yourselves and be sassy you." My arm looks like it's on backwards. Or I'm seriously double-jointed. (Even though there's really no such thing, is there? It was the cool thing to be in elementary school, but two joints where one should be? I don't think it's a real thing.)

She was so tired. A tired, tired terrorist she was.

Father of the bride. And pre-pubescents having WAY too much fun in the background.

It was a perfect day.

I'm always secretly envious of newlyweds. Actually, it's a good mix of feelings. Envious of all the excitement and newness and at the same time so glad we're not newlyweds anymore. It's weird. So glad we've settled into normalcy of marriage and I'm not as big of a drama queen as I used to be. (Though on occasion I do still fight the urges.) So glad it doesn't hurt my feelings as bad when I get fallen asleep on during riveting conversation. (Unless I'm upset. Still a bad move). I do miss running and throwing myself on him when he used to walk in the door from work. I do that now, and I will definitely trip on my oversized pajamas and on Lucy. I do miss feeling fully justified texting him 1200 times while he's at work. I still do that, I just feel more annoying than I used to. I remember perfectly driving away from our reception. A surreal, semi-awkward silence filled the car after all that commotion as we drove away (that never happens with me, mostly the silent part). I remember I didn't really know what to say. "So, how was the day for you? Wanna go watch the finished product of the wedding video? Are we really husband and wife? Is this really... legit? 2 legit 2 quit?" I do remember feeling SO sublimely elated and giddy. Lots of tender laughs ahead for them looking back on this time of life. So fun. (Are you in shock at how many parenthetical phrases are in this paragraph? I am.)

Congratulations Eric and Tamra! I love you, Tamra. I know you will be the most amazing wife, because you are the most amazingly selfless friend.