This is therapeutic for me. So just let me.

I'm sorry. I am not an angry person. Really if you know me, you know I'm no rageaholic. I'm generally pretty chipper about life in general. I feel like I'm fairly level-headed. But this little blurb on babycenter the other day chapped me so bad. Chapped me red and raw. Think baboon's rear end= my face. Before I go into it, if you are a champion weight lifter/marathon runner and continue being so every day through your nausea-ridden stages of early pregnancy, turn away now. This is no place for you. Ahem.

You are one of the biggest creeps I've ever seen, Karyne.

Anyway, blurb reads as follows:

"Plan your workouts for the time of day when you feel most energetic – and when you're most likely to have free time. Some research has shown that you're more likely to stick to your exercise program if you do it in the morning. Early morning workouts also help you avoid extra showers. You can just pop out of bed, have a bite to eat, put on your workout wear, and go. When you're finished, you take a shower and start your day!"

Is it just that easy for us, ladies!?! So silly of me!! I just never knew it could be that easy!! Excuse me Dr. Whoever the hell you think you are. Have you ever been pregnant yourself? Have you ever been pregnant while still having to tend to other small children? One of whom only has incisors so throwing her a chicken leg is not an option? But also cutting molars as we speak so is waking up lots at night? And you're panicked trying to shove saw-dust crackers in your face before your husband brings her back to you because you might heave any moment? Have you ever been in the early stages of pregnancy when you've had to wake up in the night to calm her older sister from a nightmare? And try to convince her that spiders aren't crawling all over her? Or that the "mean bad wolf" is not in reality going to get her?? And then her crying also wakes up her little sister who has already been up once in the night? Have you been pregnant while having mini people crawl into bed with you before the sun rises? Jumping on or throwing an elbow square into your boob or full bladder? And again you're stuffing your cotton mouth with the same saw-dust crackers that you had to 3 hours previous?

{I hate saltines.}

"The time of day when I have the most energy" is reserved for changing dirty diapers, and starting another Disney princess movie. And making a grilled cheese sandwich or two.

The rest of the day I am laying spread eagle flat on my face on my carpet.

"Free time"? Are you serious? I can't even remember what this expression means. And my head might explode if I try.

"Pop" out of bed?? Really??? Have you ever seen any Pregnant woman pop up for anything except the toilet or an ice-cream sandwich? The only thing popping right now are the buttons off my pants. And it's too early for that but happening either way.

Who exactly is this tidbit of advice intended for?? Are you talking to me? Are you talking to anyone who has children? There are so many things wrong with this advice that it is laughable. And, you're making overwhelmed, nauseated pregnant women feel even more inadequate and loserish than they already do.

Seriously. I can't handle anyone telling me I need to be in the gym right now. Or telling me what I need to be eating to keep my figure. Or what to do in the future to lose the baby weight fastest. When I want to hear about that, I'll come find you. I also can't handle FB status updates about working out right now. Just got a sick ab workout in, 500 crunches! Can't believe how defined and toned my bod's getting! Tomorrow it's back to lunges and squats, feeling on top of the world!" Ugh I will throw up right now.

I also can't handle any insinuation that every nook and cranny of my house is not spotless at all times. Jason came home the other day and while trying to put away groceries in the fridge, said, "this fridge is ridiculous." And I unloaded a few rounds of rapid fire machine gun verbal assaults on him about him having a superiority complex and thinking he thinks he's the only one in the house with any kind of standard for cleanliness and that maybe he thinks things are not in tip top shape just because I'm feeling lazy and would rather watch reality TV and telling him he's delusional. And then crying later and apologizing for my "taking of crazy pills".

I know I've used this picture before, but I'm using it again. I just like her a lot and feel like I should be friends with her. I can't wait for this first stage to pass. And while I understand if you are a member of my household, you might feel that you're really the one who can't wait for this part to pass, maybe you feel like you're the one doing the suffering. Please don't even hint at that. If you'd prefer that your privates stay in-tact. I'm not even trying to be funny. In fact I may or not have been ugly-face crying the whole time I've been typing this up.