A tale of two husbands...

...that didn't listen. I make it a point to write husband-deprecating stories on the blog. I keep telling him that this is our "family blog" and that if people will get a laugh out of it, he's more than welcome to write stories about me. But then he sighs and tells me the only stories he has about me are things like how I clean the kitchen 7 times in one day and how nicely I fold his shirts and stuff and how I cook him delicious meals that make him feel fat and happy inside and how I'm basically the best wife and mother on the planet. And then I coyly tell him that no one would think those stories are very funny, but he certainly has permission to write them still.

No, this story isn't too husband-deprecating. It's just a little husband-deprecating. It's mostly just a goodie that must be shared.

Anyway, let's get down to the nitty gritty.

It's a peculiar thing I tell you. The ability my husband has to be an active participant in a conversation with me but to be completely mentally checked out of that very conversation he's involved in. I wish I had the skill, to merely appear to be listening. Because it conveniently relieves him of accountability. Or so he thinks.

The other night we had a whopper of a situation, involving these three girls, from left to right, there's Jules, Katie in the middle, and moi:

and these three boys to whom they're married, Jason on the left, Dave in the middle, and Mervis.

Try to stay with me now, because this story has lots of "and then he said this, and then she said that." I'm gonna need you to focus.

Some of our besties Dave and Katie were in town this last weekend from California and Jason invited Dave to the Jazz game with him. I invited Katie to cooking club. All was right in the world. When suddenly, that very day, I got an email from yet another bestie couple of both of ours, Mervis and Julie. (Mervis isn't his name, it's Curtis. But "Mervis" is in fact his name to us. There's a story behind it, of course, but I don't have time for it now.) So Julie and Merv are the most recently wedded twosome and are yet to be blessed with posterity, and thus, naturally, have been on a trip around the world for the last 6 months. All over Asia and Australia and all over the place. Crazy kids. So I get an email from Julie saying, "We are back! Came home early unexpectedly, I want to see you!" I started freaking out and wrote back immediately, "Oh my gosh, did you know Dave and Katie are in town?!? This is toooo perfect! I can't believe you guys are home! yada yada blah blah yada." So Julie came to my house that night, just before Katie got there. I had her hide in our laundry room and when Katie got here I nonchalantly asked her to grab the broom out of the laundry room... except when she went there she obviously didn't find a broom, but Julie doing Michael Jackson's Thriller dance towards her. There was much screaming and jumping and I busted around the corner to join in the hullabaloo and we all hugged and jumped and mosh-pitted and head-butted around together for a good 35 to 45 minutes. It was joyous! The way a surprise should be.

I had texted Jason earlier that day, "Mervis and Julie are back!!" And by the time Julie and Katie got to our house, Jason had already headed up to pick Dave up and go to the Jazz game. Dave had no idea Merv and Julie were back on this side of the planet, and I called Jason and told him, "Don't tell Dave Julie and Merv are back, we're gonna surprise him! Just come back to our house after the game and we'll have Mervis come wait here for you guys. We'll have him jump out of our bushes at Dave with a hockey mask on and a chain saw, maybe he can lop off a few of his limbs, and then we'll all have a good laugh about it. It'll be really something." Jason laughed and replied, "Okay! I won't tell him!"

So the three of us head out for our girls night, ecstatic with life in general. Dave was originally gonna just stay the night in Bountiful at his parents, but Katie convinced him to ride home with Jason (solely for the purpose of Merv surprising him). She said, and I quote, "Just come to Mer and Jason's house after the game with Jason and I'll be here waiting for you, and then we can ride back to Springville together," (where they were staying). And all was effectively communicated and received. Everything appeared to be falling into place perfectly.

Until the the time came when they should be arriving back at our house. We girls had been home for some time and Mervis had joined us and now we were just waiting. So Katie and I texted our husbands where are you guys texts. And thought they should be walking in the door any minute.

Except Katie got a text from Dave saying Jason was about to drop him off. And then I got a text from Jason saying, "Sorry babe, the game went into overtime and I'm dropping Dave off in Springville."

??!!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!?

We both call our hubbies and ask what the crap is happening. Dave's all, "What? You told me to come to Jason and Mer's? Oh sorry. I know I responded and said that sounded like a fine idea, but these shrimp I was eating were really really big." And Jason's all, "What? There's a surprise happening I'm supposedly in on?" Actually he didn't say that. Alls he could say in Dave's presence to me was, "I love you, we'll be there in a minute," because I asked him what on earth he was doing taking Dave to Springville when we discussed the fact that Julie and Mervis would be waiting at our house to surprise him. And then I followed up with, "This is really somethin' moronic! I'm in disbelief!"

And Katie and I hung up with our husbands and just stared blankly at each other with big, hunky, furrowed brows. Complete and utter disbelief. And then the scene flashed into both of our minds all at once. Apparently they'd both been having conversations with their wives on the phone, sitting across from each other eating before the game, and Dave had been puppeteering his jumbo shrimp so well that Jason was lost... completely riveted by Dave's shrimp puppet show. They had both agreed to the plan to each of us individually, a verbal agreement, but had simply been lost in each other's charm. And then after dinner they went and watched the game, and from that point on... you can forget about it.

They came home (after getting all the way down to Springville and turning around) and when we heard the garage door we had Mervis and Julie go out on our patio and walk into view in our window when we were all settled in on our couches. And it was the most anticlimatic surprise I'd ever witnessed. Because at the game Jason had accidentally let Dave see my "Mervis and Julie are back!!" text to him. And then when Dave asked, What was that? Jason just said, "Let's have another round of jumbo shrimp puppet show! I stuffed a few into my pocket from dinner." and they laughed and hi-fived.

Here's the thing ladies and gents. I could plan every detail of a surprise birthday party for Jason right in front of him. He just has to be mildly distracted in Bill O'Reilly or a sporting event. I have oftentimes walked right past him, arms full of his unwrapped Christmas or birthday presents, and perhaps stopped to ask him something arms still full to the brim, have him stare directly at me and I'll know he won't notice a thing. This is why I said in my last post that I'm not sure he knows we're gonna have another baby. I mean we've had several conversations about it, discussed names and the whole 9 yards, but there's still a 50/50 chance he'll be caught totally off guard when I go into labor. He might ask me if I need some immodium AD or something. Let's just be thankful I'm a woman of pure heart and pure intent. Because I could get away with murder I tell you.

I envy his focused mind. Because when he tunes into something, EVERYTHING else tunes completely out. And I think he enjoys things in life more this way. And I know that's why he's such a good hunter/gatherer/provider/protector. Because he's able to fully get. into. the. zone. I, on the other hand, am changing a diaper with one hand, nursing a babe with the other, typing an essay with one set of toes and playing a concerto on the piano with the other. And I'm assessing potential harms and dangers that could befall my children, 24 hours a day. Call me Jason Bourne. And at the end of the day, I can't remember a single thing I've done. Because it's one big, mixed-up blur.

I have another one for you. A real doozy. A story that involves these two contemplative, pensive sisters:

And these two vibrant brothers-in law whom they're married to.

This story happened on this very trip here to Monterrey California together. The four of us were in the car and we pulled over so Jason could run and grab something in a convenience store. While Jason was away, Vanessa and I hatched this great plan to talk complete nonsense when he got back into the car just to see how long it would take to thoroughly confuse him and possibly send him off the deep end. Just whatever nonsense came to mind. For example:

"Oh my gosh and then that dolphin with that guy in the cowboy boots... could not take his hands off of that diamond encrusted purse...."

"Oh I know, and how about that little kitten though with the purple hat on? I loved that little guy."

Sam wasn't necessarily involved in the plan... but we trusted he wouldn't blow our cover at the same time. We trusted he had our backs because he was just sorotf looking back and forth between the two of us while we schemed, witnessing our plan unfold. We thought we were pretty funny.

So Jason gets back into the car and we take off again. And Nessa and I commence the jibberish. And it actually goes on for longer than I'm expecting. I'm pretty sure buffalo chips and RuPaul make it into the conversation. And Jason' s just sitting next to me, looking back and forth from me to the scenery out the window, humming to himself a merry little tune, pleasant contented look upon his face all the while. When suddenly, after a few solid minutes of this, Sam, with the crustiest tone of voice and most bewildered expression on his face, exclaims,

"WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?!??!"

There was a befuddled moment of awkward silence as Vanessa and I took in what had just taken place. And then the rioting began. Riotous laughter of such severity that we almost sent that car we were in off one of those rocky cliffs and plummeting into the ocean. Rioting and head-butting of dash boards and the backs of seat and screaming. The only thing I can think of to compare the situation with is when someone from the audience at a hypnotist show gets hypnotized. You know the scene, you're watching the panel of poor fools sitting up there in their chairs, with hypnotist pacing the stage in front of them with his sultry sleepy voice. And then before you know it you spot someone out of the corner of your eye in the row in front of you suddenly slump over in their chair. And then get down on their hands and knees in the isle and start barking like a dog. That's about what it was like. We were so pleasantly surprised with our unintentional victim. It's just really hard to put it into words.

And my dear Jason never did tune in to any of it. He just sat back there doing a little jumbo shrimp puppet show to himself. Until the rioting and skidding around on the road of our vehicle. He was just humming to himself that same merry little tune throughout the whole ordeal, thinkin', "I wonder where we'll stop and eat dinner," and, "I wonder what kind of bird that is flying overhead. Hmm. Oh well."

Oh the joy and bliss of it all. The joy we find in celebrating the differences of man and woman. Sheer joy and bliss. Until someone gets their eye poked out. But until then, cheers!