The Grape Nazi

So I'm standing in the line at the cafe at Good Earth with Vanessa, Sam and babies two nights ago. For those of you not familiar, Good Earth is a health food grocery store with a little cafe/restaurant attached. They serve a few pretty yummy items. I order my item and ask for the fruit bowl as a side, for Lucy. Following is the conversation that takes place:

Me: Could you throw in a few extra grapes in that fruit bowl? She (pointing to hungry child on my hip) has a hard time with the melon.

Grape Nazi: The thing is, if we give you extra grapes, there won't be grapes for other customers, that wouldn't be fair.

Me: (Thinking "Are you freaking serious??") Really??? I'm just saying I got like 2 grapes in there last time and I'd like a few more. For her.

Grape Nazi: Yeah that's usually the ratio of grapes to melon in each bowl.

Me: (Looking over at the fruit behind the glass display, exasperated.) Really. Because it looks like more to me.

Grape Nazi: No, it's not.

So, maybe I should feel fortunate that she doesn't yell in my face, "NO GRAPES FOR YOU!!" Instead, I'm pretty much boiling at this point. Are you seriously gonna stand here and bicker with me about this while there is a line behind me?? I wonder how many times she has to deal with that request on a baby's behalf. She must REALLY have to face that challenge often, of knowing exactly how to divide the grapes perfectly evenly between all the selfish grape hogs. Whatever will she do if that dreaded day comes when someone requests no grapes? She then would have a tremendous imbalance and probably would not know just what to do with the surplus. She left the cashier stand and I started to try to count to 10 in my head, but instead I started talking loudly about the atrocity to my sister. It didn't help that during my previous experience at that particular cafe, I ordered salmon, they were out of salmon. I ordered the quesadilla, they said they were out of rice. YOU WORK AT A GROCERY STORE!! How can you be out??? They've chapped me for the last time in a good long while.

I remember one time when I was at Teriyaki Sticks. When the girl rang up my total, I said, "Wow those are expensive. Are they going up in price?" to which she classily replied, "We get the employee discount, so... we don't really care." She did indeed smile at me after saying that, and we stood there and stared at each other for a good awkward 2 minutes. She with that smile, (no ounce of maliciousness in the smile, just clearly happy that she didn't have to pay full price) and I stared at her in utter confusion, believing I had misheard her. I still laugh about that one.

I expect good customer service. I do not feel that my expectations are unreasonable. One of the factors that contribute to this expectation is the fact that I have worked many, MANY positions in customer service. Pretty much every single job I've had, I have dealt with people. And, I do in fact, like to butter them up. Even with the obnoxious or angry ones; by the time they are getting off the phone with me or leaving my place of employment, we are laughing and hi-fiving and they are inviting me to Thanksgiving dinner. And I don't find treating them that way is difficult for me. I do not believe that the customer is always right. I do believe however, that even when the customer is not right and I can't accommodate their requests, they can still leave feeling warm and fuzzy.

Dear Merchant, I do expect for you to greet me and smile. I do expect that you break away from the insanely riveting conversation that you are having with your fellow employee in order to attend to me (the cashier last night at Macy's was talking to the bagger about high school football; did not look at me once while I was checking out and I had to ask for my receipt because he was so enthralled.) I do expect that if I am standing there at the counter and you are on the phone with another customer, you will not talk to them for 15 minutes straight and pretend that you don't see me. You will put them on hold briefly in order to acknowledge my presence there: "I'll be with you in just one moment," and flash me your pearly whites. Are these things really too much to ask??

If wearing your hair in a ribbon is not your thing, if being kind and accommodating and professional is too much to ask, there are hundreds of jobs available that require no interactions with other human beings. And bless your heart, no one will be mad at you for seeking out a position that magnifies your strengths.

Can't waste any more time trying to think of a title for this post.

So the Palmers (Sam, Nessa and baby Leah) are in town for the whole month of August! Sam is on his way to the MBA program at the University of Chicago, so in route from San Francisco to the midwest they've stopped to play for a bit. It has been a glorious jubilation and will no doubt end with the gushing of great tears. I get a big pit in my stomach thinking about them leaving! I wish either one of my sisters lived closer permanently, or I wish I didn't like them so much. I'll probably have to work on the latter since it doesn't look like the first will be happening very soon. I'm gonna really start concentrating on Vanessa's flaws. Now that I mention it, she has really amazing mermaid hair lately. And that can be pretty annoying. Ugh she bugs me so bad. I feel a little better.

A couple weeks ago we headed up for some fun at Thanksgiving Point!

I figured out that goats really creep me out. Ya know how you can look at a dog's eyes and see a soul in there? Lemme tell you I stared this goat in the eye long and hard and found absolutely nothing. Creepy blank eyes. Totally and utterly vacant. And those horizontal slit pupils! If aliens were to take over our planet, I'm pretty sure they would disguise themselves as goats.

After my realization hit me: (He didn't help himself out any by having softball sized testicles).

Lucy's first pony ride. She was a natural. Just after this photo was taken she let dad go and went the rest of the ride doing a hand stand. Who knew?

One of my all time favorite Palmer family pictures. They just look so refined, especially that little lover Leah. Oh, and see what I mean with the mermaid hair? Get a life Vanessa!

This is afterwards at dinner. Pretty unreal the extent adults will go to, but look at these pics! Making yourself a buffoon in public is totally worth it. Pretty soon everyone at Zuppa's was looking at us just like this, watching us in utter delight.

Have you ever seen such an elated plea for an encore?! No, no you haven't.

And lastly, a few more shots from the NorthStar party at Seven Peaks.

Look at those locks. I am obsessed with them. Unfortunately this is right before she face-planted it into the cement on aunty's watch.:( Poor little duck.

Here is Lucy about to get tag-team jumped by two older babies. You can tell by the look on her face she knows trouble is brewing.

Jason takes her abuse any time he can. It's crazy how your whole world can be so condensed into two little people.... or one little person and one big person I guess.

Our summer has not disappointed! Too bad I can already feel fall coming on... fills me with dread and exhilaration all at the same time. Exhilaration because I truly love Utah Autumn. Dread mostly because fall=winter soon.

Only Me.

I promise this kind of stuff only happens to me. Really I promise. So, in my ward (church) my calling is a relief society teacher. (For those of you who are not LDS, the Relief Society is the name of the organization of women- and on Sunday we meet. Pretty much another Sunday school session but for women only.) So, I am a teacher. I teach every 2nd Sunday. Last month I happened to have been given the topic charity to teach on. So, in between flying to Reno for a wedding and going to Chicago on business, we came home for Sunday because Jason and I both have teaching assignments in church. (Literally, we flew home Saturday night from Reno and flew to Chi-town Sunday night.) I'm getting to the point some time soon! First off, right before RS started I ran out and made a dash for the bathroom. As I'm sitting in the stall, I look down and notice, very distinctly, mens shoes in the stall next to me. Not just mens shoes, but a pair of men's feet inside and legs attached. I pause and think... Am I in the mens' room?? Or is there a pervert next to me in the church bathroom? So I sit there quite as a... church mouse I guess... not to be corny, and I wait. Much to my relief I hear the door open and I quickly lean down to look at the legs coming in. Another woman, 2 against 1. So I continue to wait. He flushes the toilet, walks out and I hear her say, "What are you doing in here?!?" He mumbles something I can't understand and then quickly exits. (Not sure if he washed his hands. I know that's the detail you were waiting on.) So I say to the woman from my stall, "Um that was not a woman's voice!" to which she responds, "That was my husband!!" and starts busting up laughing. So I come out, we have a good laugh, I do indeed wash my hands, and I dash back to Relief Society. They are singing the opening song. Just as they are about to turn the time over to me, I realize I don't have any of my lesson material with me! So I have to run out again, back to the bathroom, to find it there. Luckily there it was. I run back again (all of this in high heels, so more of a trot/teeter than a run). I sit down and they immediately turn the time over to me. I have about 40 minutes. So, as if I wasn't frazzled enough by this point, I get started on the lesson. We read a story that illustrated charity, how two men came to Joseph Smith asking for work because they had no food, and he asked them if he could build a ditch. They built it and he gave them two of the best hams he had in exchange. Now what I was trying to say was that the Lord doesn't require perfection from us, and Joseph Smith illustrated this kind of charity here because he didn't go back and closely inspect the ditch, he just gave them his best meat because he knew they were in need and were willing to work hard. I went on to say, "It probably wasn't the best ditch," but what came out instead was, "It probably wasn't the best B$@%#." (What, you've never used profanity while teaching a lesson in church? No, no. I'm sure you haven't.) I put my head down and immediately feel my ears and cheeks start to burn red and the beads of sweat break out on my back. Chuckles run through the room of 40+ women like a wave, many of who are sweet little elderly ladies. "Did that really just happen?" I say. Another wave of chuckles. It took me a good 10 minutes to regain my composure and continue on with the lesson, but the burning ears and sweat beads never really faded. I don't think I have talked to a single sister who was present without hearing something about it, "I was just thinking how grateful I am that wasn't me!!" or, "I couldn't stop giggling the rest of your entire lesson!" among many others. I teach again this Sunday. Maybe I'll see if I can take it up a notch... squeeze in a vulgar joke or something. And I'll blame it on that bathroom lurker for frazzling me.

Let's hear it for the girl!

Happy first Birthday Lucia Davina! I got an email from babycenter with, "Your toddler this week," in the subject line. Really? At one year they are trying to throw you into the toddler realm? Just because you happen to toddle? I beg to differ. You are my little teeny tiny baby. I really do wish I could freeze time. I love your sweet angel face more than just about anything in this life.

Lucy's little shin-dig was a hit! Everything went great, except her banana cream pie... which she loathed beyond all description. I tried to put just a little in her mouth so she could at least know what it was before rejecting it completely but it just made her even more fiery hot with anger. She hated the messy whipped cream on her fingers. Truly a little lady.

She was surrounded by many who adore her. Thank you family to all who were there!! We had cake and custard and pizza and presents and then I had all 30 of our guests watch the birthing video. I could really feel how much watching it bonded the group together. (haha. We didn't really watch the video.)

And a little something for history's sake:

• Lucy loves giving open mouth kisses on the cheek, and gives them now upon request (which means you will hear, "Can I have a kiss?" about 1200 times on any given day at our house).
• She doesn't just "walk", but now cruises at a pretty impressive pace, arms straight up in the air, right arm always raised slightly higher than the left.
• She gets into EVERYTHING, cupboards, drawers... pulls every last item out of every single purse/bag in the vicinity.
• She loves LOVES her baby doll and walks around with it all day.
• Is obsessed with peek-a-boo. Still!
• Says "mama","dadda", and "hi" indiscriminately (meaning we are still not sure she knows what she is saying).
• Screams/shrieks the highest pitch shrieking you have ever heard (terradactyl style) for no real reason, mostly just out of excitement for life. She also grunts and sighs a lot to communicate. And she laughs so so much. She laughs all day long. She thinks I'm pretty funny.
• She is unbelievably social and friendly. She walks around all day at church just holding her arms up (signaling the "pick me up") to people she doesn't know. Makes friends easy I guess.
• Only nurses for a few minutes in the morning and a few minutes at night. I really don't feel the angst to be done nursing like most. I could keep going for a long time. But, I'm pretty much following her lead and so I guess that means we are on our way to weaning. Sorta makes me sad.
• Falls asleep on her own now. I never felt anxiety to make this happen. I've always sang to her and rocked her to sleep, and have absolutely loved it so it sorta makes me sad, too. :(
• Sleeps at night from about 8:30 pm 'til 7:30 am, and still takes 2 full naps (thank goodness); usually from about 10 until noon and again from 3 til 4:30 or so. A good little snoozer.
• Drinks out of her sippy cup like it's a flask of liquor. Just throws it back.

I don't remember what life was like without you Luce! I can't believe you graced us with your presence just one short year ago. How very, very lucky I am to be your mother. We won't even get started on what you've done to your dad. He is so in love. Happy Birthday little sis!

The Wild, Wild West.

Yes folks, the time you've been waiting for finally arrived.  We had the annual Christensen Family retreat (appropriately named, "The Christensen Connection") this past week and it did not disappoint.  Jason, Lucy and I spent the 4th of July in Idaho Falls with my parents and then we headed north for a full week of fun and sun in the fresh mountain air with Jason's side of the fam.  This year we stayed in Ashton, Idaho and went all through Island Park and Yellowstone.  Being from Idaho myself, I, naturally, was the family authority on the native plants, wildlife and local Indian tribes.  On more than one occasion, by simply licking my finger and holding it into the air, I was able to pick up the scent of an approaching predator and usher all 30 of us to safety.  It's amazing how my primal instincts come rushing back so quickly once I am really in my element.  Another week in that wilderness and I would have been down to my loin cloth again.  Those city slickers would have seriously wasted away without me. 

 Anyway, have you seen Dan in Real Life?  That's pretty much our Christensen side.  Hilarious.  Family get-togethers often include water balloon fights and/or water balloon volleyball, skits and talent shows, group singing, late night 80s movie nights and late night heart-to-heart talks, occasional drama with sleeping arrangements, lots of people losing things followed by search missions and modern day miracles, (I won't tell you the whole story but let's just say I did lose our camera and we all did look for a long period of time and I did say an earnest prayer and Jason did miraculously spot a woman 30 feet away from us amongst a sea of people, while it was raining, carrying it in her hand, we did retrieve it and I did ugly-face-cry for a long time afterward) and an unbelievable amount of food... oh and about 5,000 pictures.  Jason is one of 7 and all of his siblings were there along with their families to join in the hoorah.  

Here we all are setting off for Mesa Falls.

Let's take a closer look at the Pap-in-law, catching just a lick of that fountain water being sprayed in his direction.

Lucy thought those stairs were a rollercoster! Yes!! She high fived me once we reached the bottom, pretty much the same thing she did when we took her to six flags.

Mesa Falls...

Daddy and Lucy Dirt. (sister to Joe)

Right before snapping this I said, "Lucy! Do mommy's face on this trip!" She does such good impersonations.

Sweet cousins

Lucy was very much at one with the bears.  That's why we are renaming her "Stands-with-a-fist -next-to-her-brother-bears".  She is a fierce little warrior.

Lucy has become a bit of an awkward kisser.  She always goes for the open mouth and always plants it when we are least expecting.  Worse than Kiptyn and Jillian.

Our brother-in-law (and dentist), "water skiing" while the raft clipped along at a smooth .3 mph.  If any of you are looking for a dentist, here's your man!

Hooray for Yellowstone! Hooray for waterfalls and geysers!  Hooray for smelling like rotten eggs all day!  Hooray for the Christensen Connection!  Can't wait 'til next time!