The Art of Fugly-Face Making

*Viewer discretion is advised. Some content of this post may be unsuitable for small children. Or the faint of heart...Or the weak of stomach.*

Everyone knows the all too familiar photo shoot scenario, particularly in family settings, when someone yells out, "Make a funny face!" And what most everyone knows about this, (but what some refuse to come to grips with) is that by "funny", we mean, "the most heinously unattractive face you can muster". Yes yes folks, that's of course what we mean.

Now, we also all know those who refuse to make an ugly face for a photograph.

Perpetrators found in both bottom corners of this photo:

And this one...

While there are many perpetrators in this one, the biggest perpetrator of all is found dead center:

And in this one here below, Vanessa almost got called out for the ugly-face-while-still-trying-to-look-pretty-face. Only because I know she has so much more potential than this. But we let it slide. After slapping her pregnant belleh.

Now people, when you hear these words, (to be read in slow motion) "Maaaaake-a-funny-faaaaaaace..." you have a choice. You can cringe at the thought, and run away from it. You can cringe and quiver in fear over the what-ifs involved (What if my ex-boyfriend sees this? What if someone thinks this is really what I look like? What if my husband's ex-girlfriend sees this? What if my face gets stuck like this forever? Does my overall attractiveness decrease because of this photograph??) OR (and this is the vision I have for all of us) you can embrace the fugly face. You can accept that it is part of you, the good, the bad and the ugly. You can become one with it. You can stare the fear of making a hideous face for the camera in the eye- and you can overcome that fear. And you can be liberated- forever. You can live in a world that you don't feel compelled to run over and check what the picture looks like after every time someone snaps one of you. That can be you, my friend.

I know, I know... I've had to evolve myself with fugly-face making. It hasn't always been easy. It's been a long and difficult road. For example, the day I married Jason. I thought somehow that making a weak funny/ugly face in my wedding gown would be more appropriate. Like I would be a more respectable bride. So this is all I did:

And I lost respect for myself that day. Turns out, it wasn't ugly at all, nor was it funny. It was just me still trying to be pretty. Shameful.

Or how about before that, when Jason and I were just getting back together, (still trying to impress each other) on a road trip I was given the infamous instructions to, "make an ugly face!!" And this was the best that I could come up with?:

I knew deep down inside I had so much more to give. So much more contortion possible. I knew I had sold myself out. Weak effort, Meradith. I'm not proud of this moment either.

Let's start with some fugly-face making basics. There are some things that everyone can do to help themselves out. First, and easiest step, create a double chin. I don't care how stickly thin you are, a double chin is ALWAYS possible. Always lurking in the shadows, waiting for her moment to shine. Let her shine, baby.

Second step, curl your lips in and bare your teeth, squirrel style. You might wanna get in front of a mirror and practice this one a few times, doesn't come quite as easily as a double chin. Our friend Dave demonstrates beautifully:

Thirdly, do something strange with your eyes. I've been able to do what I like to call chameleon eyes a time or two, and that's when your eyes shoot out simultaneously in opposite directions, but I couldn't find any documentation. Crossing eyes can be funny, but only with the addition of other fugly contortions. Prime example of a true talent:

Vanessa's otherwise stunningly flawless face transformed. Look at the creation of the double chin. Look at the contortion of the mouth. And the eyes are the perfect touch. Alone they wouldn't be much, but in addition to... it's perfect. It's utterly magical.

An easy but fun go-to route is a fake cry. Fake cries present unique fugly-face opportunities.

So if you've got nothin' else, go for that.

Now, there is one person I will make special mention of that is ever constant, ever faithful to fugly-face making. And I've never even pulled him aside and given him a single tip.

Ever constant...

Ever faithful...

Brother-in-law Steve. A born natural.

Perfectly wonderful, boring sister photo shoot opportunities, enhanced and made much more memorable:

The culmination of all fugliness tied up into one sisterly masterpiece. Note the chins. Note the mouths. Note the glazed over eyes. True artistic genius:

Brother Abe getting in on the action. 'Atta boy!:

And last but certainly not least, some of my best work up to date. It took an unbelievable amount of concentration, but I actually willed that facial hair to appear. The happy couple just weeks after being wed:

You show me a person who will throw caution to the wind and contort a normal face to something that elicits dry-heaving, and I will show you a BFF for life.