When I was stalked for 15 minutes

We got home to Utah on Saturday from a few days in Arizona. I'm sad because I forgot my camera, and there were a lot of good photo opps. My husband has to go there a lot on business and I fly for free with him (love that companion pass!) so naturally we always tag along with him and I run away with my sister and have a few glorious days of kid herding and shopping to tell about afterwards.

Among many delightful events that took place in AZ, I feel compelled to tell you a little experience I had in Ross Dress for Less. It might frighten you, reader discretion is advised. I'm not exaggerating. Not one tiny bit.

I was looking for a very specific dress, I knew it had to exist some way, somewhere so I was on the hunt. (Having something very specific in mind at the start of a shopping day is awful, like I can see the dress in my mind's eye but have no idea if I can really buy it somewhere. Guess I should be a designer.) So we'd been at the mall all morning with all the kiddies and in and out of Nordy Rack and TJ Maxx when we agreed to give one last effort at Ross. Beth was going to stay in her swagger wagon with all the munchkins and I would run in all by myself to quickly peruse. This was my first near fatal mistake.

As I'm flinging through hangers of dresses, a deep and somewhat raspy voice of a woman boomed in my ear. "You should buy this... it's so hot... I'd so get it if it was in my size," she said while her arm reached over my head and grabbed a grey sequencey dress hanging in front of me. I looked over to see a rather large woman, probably my same age standing there holding the dress out in my direction. It had made me jump, and being slightly confused I took the dress from her and said, "Ok, thanks," and flashed her a smile. I love friendly people, so besides being somewhat caught off guard, I thought it was peachy.

So I'm walking back to the dressing rooms to try on a few dresses when out of the corner of my eye I see her walking down the isle perpendicular to the path I'm walking down. "Are you going to try it on?" she asks me. "Yeah, I am." I respond. "You don't need to try it on, I can tell it will look awesome on you... just buy it." I sortof nervously laugh, continue to walk, and scuttle into the dressing room as soon as possible, hoping she doesn't follow, when suddenly I hear, "Did you put it on??" from the other side of the door. Not kidding.

I jumped again and my eyes nearly bugged out of my head. No really, they did, I was looking at myself in the mirror. I had just taken the dress off when she came looking for me. The following dialogue takes place between her and me with the dressing room door separating us. Oh, it didn't fit. I reply quietly. "What didn't you like about it??" she demands. It was too big for me on top, I don't have big enough boobs for it. "Well what kind of bra are you wearing?" (NOT. KIDDING. PEOPLE.) I obviously would have screamed for security had this been a man, but since it was a woman I just didn't know how exactly to proceed. Ummmm... a nursing bra actually. Her: Well your boobs will stay about this size by the way until you stop nursing. Me: uhh okay. Her: Don't you think with a padded push up bra it would fit? Me: No, I don't think so. (starting to get a little creeped out). Her: Just put it back on and come out here so I can see it on you. Me: silence.

I am not putting this back on for her! I'm thinking. I don't want this stupid dress! And I'm in a hurry! So I just pretend like I don't hear her and sortof hope she'll just go back to shopping because I'm starting to get nervous for when I walk out not wearing the dress because I'm pretty sure she could take me if it came down to a little one-on-one scuffle. So I'm putting my clothes back on and it's quiet so I'm thinking maybe she's continued on her way when suddenly I hear this loud hullabaloo going on just on the other side of my dressing room door, a loud bang and then she screams out.

"OOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!" That blank-ing HURT!!!" followed up by many more expletives. Oh my gosh are you okay?!? I ask from inside the safety of my little room. "I dropped a box on my foot!!!" she yells, her voice echoing through the dressing room. And then I don't really know what on earth to say to her, I don't know where this is going or where this will end because she's just waiting out there for me and causing herself pain while she waits! I'm sortof panicking at this point and can't honestly even tell you if I tried anything on that was actually cute because I was so distracted. I couldn't stay in there forever, so I timidly open the door with my regular clothes on to find her standing directly outside. "Where's the dress?? I thought you were putting it back on!" she says to me, clearly disappointed. Oh, sorry... it's just too big... but thanks. Oh man, I waited all this time... Okay, whatever, have a nice day," she says as she turns and walks towards the front of the store. I wait for a moment and then cautiously follow behind her, trying to get out of there! PHEW I'm thinking I'm off the hook when she suddenly turns around and says "WAIT." and starts walking back towards me. This is it I'm thinking, she is gonna punch me in the face, here it comes... the first fist fight of my life..." when she gets up to me and holds up two boxes of silverware and asks, "Which is better?" So I make nervous small talk with her about the things I like about both and then beat it out of there after she thanks me. Bethany is parked out front waiting and can see the panic on my face as I'm running towards the car. I jump in and yell, "Beat it!!" but not before she makes me tell her the whole ordeal and we are peeing our pants laughing, tears streaming.

Amidst our laughter, there is a sudden banging on the passenger side window. And then she breaks the window, grabbs me by the collar and yanks me out, the whole time screaming, "I JUST WANTED TO SEE YOU IN THE DRESS!!! WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!"

Actually that didn't happen, none of this story is true. We didn't even go shopping. Just kidding we did, and all of it happened word for word how I described except for the very last part about her yanking me from the car. I thought she maybe had the potential to though.