...it's kindof a big deal! I just feel like I want to talk a little bit more about some things on Jesse's birthday. I put a little something at the end of my blog post yesterday but I have more to write. I don't want to be a Debbie downer and talk about death on my brother's birthday. But healing is a process so bear with me.
Jesse has kindof turned me into a nutcase. In reality, I have to tell you I'm a little bit crazy. If Jason is out running errands or at the office and doesn't answer my phone calls or respond to my texts in what I deem to be an appropriate amount of time, I turn into a pacing, bawling-my-eyes-out loon. Because those seemingly insignificant things were the first red flags I came to on my road to discovery that my brother had passed on to the next life. I can imagine me telling him this right now and him laughing... and saying something like, "Gosh... sorry sis..." And I know I've always been kindof loony. But the experience he and I shared 18 months ago has compounded it.
Case in point: Here is a succession of text messages that Jason received yesterday at work. I had already tried to call him twice before the first text went through.
{*note: emoticons in a marriage have been proven to improve communication by up to 70%. I find that when he's not responding to me, the gun emoticon and ticking time bomb emoticon are especially effective in communication. And maybe the little pile of poop emoticon as well. }
After I still had not heard from him I broke down and started contacting people in his office. And immediately got a text back that he was in a meeting with the NorthStar board of directors who had flown into town just for a few hours to meet with him.
I immediately felt sheepish because he had told me a couple days prior that they were flying into town on Tuesday. And I felt more sheepish because I imagined him being irritated that all of those texts were coming through. I was hoping his phone was on silent. He called me shortly after and I thought I had dried my eyes pretty good. But then talking to him I burst into tears again. He wasn't upset at all. Even before I started to cry. He was just apologetic. See how loony I am?
When Jesse passed away I was hit with the reality of death. This reality hits me in waves now, where sometimes I feel hopeful and secure and sometimes I feel like frantically retreating with my little family into the mountains and turning off all electricity and running water. Don't know how that'd solved anything. But it's appealing sometimes. The reality is that death can happen to anyone, anywhere, any age. And it does happen, every day, all around us, all over the world. And we have absolutely no control over it.
How thankful I am to have a knowledge of the Creator's plan. How thankful I am for modern day scripture that is so accessible to all who desire to understand the teachings of Jesus Christ better. How thankful I am for the account of the resurrection of the Savior found in the gospels of the New testament. His loyal disciples had come back to the tomb where His body had been lain, and the tomb was empty. He had risen. He had defeated physical death and spiritual death both. Jesus Christ conquered all in order to prepare a way that we might escape death and pain as well if we will but follow Him.
Some of the most comforting scriptures regarding death in the Book of Mormon are found in Alma, when Alma the prophet is teaching his son.
11 Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.
12 And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.
How thankful I am to know that Jesse is free from the sorrows he knew during his life here on earth. He is in a place where he can progress and can learn; freed from the slings and arrows of this mortal world that weighed upon him so heavily while here. I am thankful to have the knowledge that he is home and I will see him again.
And if my brother's passing has made me a little loony, it's okay. If it's made me try to take more time and put more energy into nurturing my family relationships and being more conscientious of the feelings and hardships of others, it's really okay. I don't mind being a little loony.
Happy Birthday again to my older brother Jesse. 34 years ago today mom and dad looked down into the tiny swollen little face of their firstborn child. They were introduced to feeling love on a totally new level 34 years ago on this very day. We look forward anxiously for the day we are reunited as a family Jess. Until then try to stay out of trouble. :) I love you.
2 comments:
yay.
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