How to torture your husband: getting back to the basics.

Okay people. I posted a big majority of the information in this post a long time ago on the blog I co-write with my sister. But this morning, something occurred to me as I sent my husband the following text:

Now, I sent this to him knowing full well that he was in a meeting and couldn't respond. And I sat back and chuckled to myself debating whether I would continue rapid fire texting him and pretend like I forgot he was in a meeting, or if I would let it be. But I was in fact irritated that he had just thrown that box into the laundry room on top of laundry and other junk, so I felt justified. And that's when the epiphany came. That's what brings us back around full circle to the subject of this post. As embarrassed I am to admit this, I will admit it here, because you're my very closest friends and confidants- I realized I haven't even been really torturing my husband at all as of late. I don't know if it's just been the distraction of having a new baby for the last few months or the chaos of having three children or what it is. But I'll tell you what- I'm losing my identity here people. If I'm not driving my husband batty, what on earth am I here for? What's my purpose in life? So, I'm reposting these items, in the hopes I can find motivation to return to my most authentic self. If not, I'm afraid all is lost.

Ahem. 

Are you bored? A little tired of the monotony and blandness if being a stay at home mom? Are you tired of feeling like the only place where you're supposed to spice it up is in the bedroom or over the stove? Well ladies, here's your answer! These six simple fail-proof tactics are easy for anyone to make part of their normal every day routine- yes anyone- (that means you!)- and produce immediate, hilarious and oh-so entertaining results!

1. Always insist that you don't want anything when he's ordering at a drive though, but insist that he share what he orders the moment it arrives. Even when he demands that you do get something for yourself, tell him, No really, I'm not even hungry. Then when his food comes, what you're gonna want to do is ask for a bite before he even takes one. Then when he complains that you said you weren't hungry, talk to him about the symbolism of sharing food together and sharing emotional intimacy in your life. Tell him you know what it really means when he doesn't want to share his food with you. Cry if at all possible.

2. Send texts to co workers and church associates from his phone signed with something inappropriate.

When he is driving the car and says, "Can you send a text real quick from my phone?" and you realize that it is addressed to someone he has a formal relationship with, always say the thing he dictates to you to say first, and follow it up with something inappropriate.

Example: Your office needs to have the housing forms faxed over to Ashlyn ASAP. Thanks. Love you bro.

or:

Please remind your guys to be at the training at 8 AM sharp. Thanks. Miss you man. I'll be staring at my phone til you respond. Seriously.

Then when you are at a stop light (safety first), hold up the phone for him to see what you've typed up, and then start somehow fumbling the phone around in your hands and pretend like you accidentally actually hit send. This is one of my very favorites, and will never ever get old.

3. -Steal his sneezes whenever possible. Whenever you see a sneeze coming on, run up to him and start swiping at the air directly in front of his face, like you're magically swiping that sneeze clean away. Amazingly, there's something about this distraction tactic that will usually prevent him from actually being able to sneeze. You'll find this one particularly enjoyable if his sneezes are as loud as bomb explosions, like my husband's are. There's something cathartic about a good sneeze, so it will be particularly infuriating to him. Also works well with yawns. It's just that simple.

4. -Sneak in and take nudie pictures of him while he's showering, and continue doing so as he yells in objection. This is particularly effective when you have a glass shower, as we do in my house. But if not, there's nothing a little sneaking behind the curtain won't solve. Snap as many shots as is possible, and then run out of the room while he's toweling off and go hide the camera so he can't delete them. The more he's frantically trying to cover himself up while you're snapping the shots, the more humorous it becomes. Also, the humor increases as the level of panic in his voice increases: Knock it off! I told you you're gonna forget about deleting these and someone's gonna look through our pictures!!! You really don't even have to say anything in response. You just laugh. And laugh and laugh. *Note: not fully effective unless your husband is the conservative and inhibited one in your marriage. If he turns around while in the shower and starts posing for you while you're firing away the camera, you're gonna have to choose a different tactic.*

*WARNING: Be sure to return to hidden camera and delete them in actuality once he's really worked himself up. I knew of a certain individual (who shall remain nameless, but we'll say her name starts with a V and ends with anessa, was using this tactic but realized sometime into the photo shoot, it was on an old non-digital camera that had film to be developed. When husband realized this, you can imagine the fury. She said, "Settle down! We'll just rip them up as soon as we get the film developed!" but then years later, they found said picture in a box of family photos at her in-laws house jumbled in with pictures of grandkids and other family members. This really happened folks. Her husband immediately morphed into the Hulk and shred his clothes upon discovery.

5. -Tell him, "I'm blogging about this" 15 times a day. Whenever he does anything that could be slightly embarrassing that people should be able to do in the security of their own home, (say, a nose pick or a body scratch) or says something in efforts to be complimentary that could be construed as chauvinistic or insulting, (for example, "You look so thin, you're really hot these days... maybe you shouldn't get pregnant again for a long time. wink wink.") Instead of turning fiery hot with anger and saying, "What did you just say to me??" you just shake your head and simply tell him, "I'm so blogging about this." And then on occasion, really do it. 

*Let's face it, I'm every bit as attractive when I'm pregnant.

6. -Demand that he rehash your wonderful attributes as much as possible. Ask him something along the lines of, So, what was it that really made you fall in love with me? or Like, specifically what attributes made you realize I was the only one you've ever wanted to spend your life with? or At what point did you know you were totally head over heels for me... like what did I do specifically? at least 3 times a week. Especially good when a sporting event is on that he's really interested in. *Note: not fully effective while still newlyweds or on anniversaries.

I, Meradith (founder at HTTI- husband torture tactics international) can personally guarantee you're in for more entertainment than you've had for years if you will only commit to implementing just one or more of my brilliant strategies. At first they may feel foreign, but with consistency and a little effort on your part, I can promise you they will start to feel like second nature. After all, I'm not only the president... I'm also a client.

*There. That's a nice reminder of who I am and what my purpose is here. I might add  rapid fire texting him when you know he is in a meeting to the list. *