Pregnancy=Insanity ranting continued

I have been known to have wildly fantastic dreams, super vivid and detailed. (I wrote this post about the ridiculousness of my dreams last year just after Lucy was born). My dreams seem to be, many of you will relate, particularly potent while pregnant. Probably because I am waking up a lot more and seem to have multiple dreams every night. Jason only remembers his dreams once in a very great while, but when he does, we make a big deal out of it. He'll sit up and announce, "I had a dream!" and then every dream seems to be a variation of him as Jack Bauer somersaulting into windows with a machine gun and fighting terrorists. I'm all invigorated every time he recounts one of these. Crazy little sexy flair that hubby of mine has in his subconscious.

I had a dream last night. Dreamt that I came home and Jason was snuggling/making out with someone on our couch. All of our family pictures were taken down. I proceed to start freaking out. Apparently, and no one told me this in my dream, it was just made clear in my mind like a flash of revelation, Jason had told this girl that there was a single mom and baby he felt sorry for that he was letting live with him for a short time. How noble. So that would explain the appearance of Lucy and me on their date. I start yelling at her and she looks at Jason and says, "She is a complete psycho, isn't she?!" to which Jason sortof nods, looking uneasy. I'm yelling at her to get out, that this is my husband, and to, "Look at this child! This is his daughter!!" Jason then pulls me into the other room and tells me he has a right to have a girlfriend, because I have been so mean to him, and that I should have seen it coming. And he tells me, as if in consolation, that he would only have a girlfriend while I was pregnant, and he'd break up with her when I had the baby.

So, I'm recounting this to Jason in the wee hours of dawn this morning in bed. He is laughing a little next to me adding in an appropriate, "Oh my gosh," with the revealing of additional ridiculousness. I tell him I need some extra snuggling, and tell him he needs to tell me that he is happy we are having another baby, that he doesn't need a girlfriend on the side, that I'm not that bad to live with, etc. He repeats back verbatim all that I had told him he needed to tell me. But it doesn't really sound convincing does it? Because he is just regurgitating everything I just told him to say.

Obviously the "morning" sickness has taken over my personality and life. I don't really wanna be around people because I feel like a complete hag. And deep down I am feeling guilty for the condition of the house and lack of cooking. My boy is an old fashioned, home-grown boy, who does not mind cooking up something for himself and would never complain about it, but when a meal is ready for him when he comes home from a hard day, he is extra "fat'n happy". Feels extra loved and special. If he was a cat he'd crawl right up in my lap, purring up a storm. And I like that. I enjoy cooking for him and taking care of him. Because he takes care of me. He really does put up with a lot, and I'm starting to feel like he really doesn't even like me right now.

And then of course I have this internal conflict with the guilt I feel. Suddenly this miniature devil appears on my left shoulder and shouts, "You shouldn't be feeling guilty! Shame on you! You just rest! You are a sacred vessel transporting his child from heaven to earth!! He loves being a daddy more than anything! Look at that beautiful Lucy you baked him! And now you're baking up another baby that he will love and adore just as much!" And this is how we (actually, how I- just me inside this head here) continue back and forth. Like I am sacrificing my total self for nothing in return. Like I'm doing this all for him and like I get nothing out of it.

I'm so ready to be done with this first stage. I LOVED being pregnant last time once I got past this first stage. Some women hate it the whole 9 months, but I really loved it. I was more cheery and domestic than ever. I am just now 10 weeks. I was almost to tears last night because Jason wanted to watch a movie and I wanted to read. Told him he was being way inconsiderate and selfish. What?!?? Apparently I preferred that he lay next to me in bed and watch me while I read. Why can't he just see that's obviously the logical solution?

Poor, poor Jason.