Heavy.

Just when you thought we were lightening back up over here... not happening! I threw that last post in there about the clothing boutique to psyche you out. Maybe you thought by the title of this post I was going to be talking about my body these days. Maybe you thought I would even disclose how many pounds of deliciousness I have gained so far this pregnancy and the number of inches of milk fat already accumulating on the back of my arms and thighs. In your dreams! Way too light and fluffy. There are lots of blogs that have light reading though, so I don't feel too bad for you. You can still get your fix. Just might not be here. Not today at least.

I believe part of my healing process has been and will continue to be (probably for forever) making peace with death. It's strange some of the thought processes that have brought me comfort on my low days. Sometimes when I'm lost in my own mind, it surprises me where I find peace crops up. But I don't spend much time dwelling in the surprise of it, I have to just continue riding that train of thought that brings settling feelings. Because I feel like I must be on a good track. And I guess I'm a utilitarian at heart, I seek pleasure and avoid pain. So I just go with it when comfort is luring me.

Is it strange to find comfort in thinking about death? I'm not trying to be morbid. I think when one is faced with having no choice but to deal with death, there is a tendency to want to just shut down and avoid thinking/talking about it at all costs. And the avoidance method works short-term. But following that natural inclination to avoid has brought me no true peace at all. It has only left me feeling unresolved and shallow. When I say thinking about death has brought me peace, I'm not talking about light, casual thinking. I'm talking about allowing myself to really delve into it; to ponder death, what it is really, what it means for us in this journey. The movies always make it so utterly horrifying. And something we have to fear so much. And in media, if the good guy dies, and the bad guy lives, then good loses and evil prevails, period. And when that happens, we're all irate because we just watched that movie or read that book with an unhappy ending. (I'm irate about it too, trust me. I expect a "happy ending" as much as anyone.) But that's not reality at all, is it? I hate to make a Harry Potter reference in here, (okay fine, I love it!) but I finished the 7th book just a couple weeks before Jesse died, and I remember Dumbledore says to Harry something like, "There are far worse things that can happen to a man than death." And I believe that, Albus! I have thought so much about it (not particularly about that wise and wonderful Albus, whom I miss, but more about the concept). I have pondered the millions of wonderful, Godly people who have died in horrific ways in the history of the world. I have thought of innocent children who pass away suddenly and without warning. And our most merciful and loving and perfect God the Father allows this to take place. As strange as it sounds, striving to come to terms with these realities has brought me peace and comfort. The realization that we are not at home here; we are strangers here on earth. The realization that every man, woman, and child inevitably, sooner or later, passes through the veil of death. The realization that death is a part of life and nature, always has been. (Do you watch the Discovery channel? Can you believe the casualty of death out there in nature? Everything's just eating everything else, taking lives left and right. Sometimes I envy the lack of affect in comparison that it has on those critters. But not really, because I'm happy to be human, with all that comes along with it. Just sayin'.) I have been thinking about the way Heavenly Father must view death, and it makes me realize how truly limited our ability to comprehend is. It makes me realize how limited we are in our understanding even though he gives us glimpses to help us. Because there have been so many millions who have died defending truth, defending righteousness. If Heavenly Father allows death to fall upon His most elect, death just can't be as horrifying in the long run as the way the world perceives it, can it? I know I have been taught many of these truths most of my life, that death is part of the plan. But I'm faced with having to internalize it more than I ever have. Those things I've thought I've always believed are being put to the test. I am not trying to minimize the passing of a loved one. So very many have gone through incomprehensible pain and heartbreak of different degrees. Mothers and fathers who bury a tiny precious one. Children left fatherless and motherless. Husbands and wives left without their companions and perhaps for the first time in life feeling total loneliness. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not being trite about this matter of such life-altering consequence. I am not trying to say death is no big deal to the Lord either, because His compassion surpasses all and our suffering is in fact a big deal to Him. And every single entrance into and exit from this life among his children is important to Him. He is very aware of each one and I believe His angels accompany and attend to each birth and death. I'm simply saying, we don't have the capacity to really see the big picture. We don't have the capacity at this moment to grasp how minute passing through that door from this life to the next is in the process of our eternal progression. Of course it is an supremely important step, just as every birth is so gloriously monumental. But death just can't be all that "bad". Death can't be inherently evil, the way we think of it sometimes. It is bad for those of us who are left behind, filled with confusion and pain. It is crippling. But for those who pass through it, even those who die painful deaths, their suffering only lasts so long. Their suffering is bound. And then they are provided sweet and merciful relief and it is over.

Every time I have been to a viewing, the same resounding confirmation to my heart and mind comes. When I am looking upon a body that once housed a vibrant spirit, I am made very aware that I am only looking at a mere shell made from the materials of this earth. That what I am looking at is not the person I knew. That person is somewhere else. That this body was only the physical manifestation of this person, but not really what defined this person at all. The essence of who this person is lives on elsewhere now. Not defeated. Not deceased. But truly living on, simply in another realm. Because of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, one day the spirit and body will be reunited and a glorious reunion it will be. Christ defeated death in every way imaginable; physically and spiritually. He defeated all wickedness and evil that ever has been or ever will be. He defeated each and every thing we would ever truly have to be fearful of in this lifetime.

Satan debilitates us through fear. He has been working so hard to debilitate me. Fear of being alone in my house, fear that something can and will happen to Jason or Lucy or this unborn child or another family member. Fear of all that could possibly go "wrong" or be painful in this life. The enemy of God works so hard to undermine all that the Savior accomplished while here on earth. He wants to stifle our progression. He wants us to lack faith, because without faith, the miracle of what Jesus Christ did for us can never fully work its miracles in our lives. So I'm working on not being afraid. I'm working on overcoming fear of all kinds; ones I've had for a long time and ones I never knew I had until this experience. I want to be free of fear and full of faith. I want to have a greater understanding of this life and it's purposes. I want to be able to have an eternal perspective so badly.

I hope that this is not seen as an invitation for heartache. :) Even though logically I know my life has its share still to come, I'm not saying, "Bring it on, I love being tested." It's just that, knowing the things that I know, fear of death or anything else for that matter simply has no place in my home. It has no place in my heart, either. I'm not trying to get to a point where I welcome death. I just want to make peace with it. I have not arrived at any destination. I just know where I want to be and grateful for a lifetime to try to get there.