Whirlwind.

I need to be sleeping. Lucy has been really sick and we have been up together most of the night and I feel nauseated like I pulled an all-nighter cramming for a test. But there are lots of things swimming in my head and no matter what I do, I can't sleep with the swimmers. I don't really know how else to describe our lives for the past month than the title of this post- a complete whirlwind in every sense of the word. I am in disbelief that Christmas day is so nearly upon us. I had so many ideas for Christmas cards, neighbor gifts, social gatherings with hot cocoa and cider. Those things unfortunately have been flushed down the toilet. I've had to hang on to the bare minimum on my to-do list for my own sanity. So don't hold your breath for our Christmas card this year. :)

While everything has speedily swirled by, at the same time it feels in a way that time has been in a complete stand still. I'm contradicting myself, I know. But I am in way more disbelief that Jesse left this life a mere 2.5 weeks ago than I am about Christmas being so close. Everything about that week; the actual day that he died, traveling up to my parents' house, the funeral; feels strangely dream-like and eternally far away. I remember feeling the same way with the first couple weeks of Lucy's life. Like I couldn't remember what it was like before she was born even though she had been with us just days. I guess life altering events just do that to you. Slow motion. Because he had been living here with us, his absence is poignantly acute. Maybe more obvious to us than to anyone else. And it's painful. He's not traveling and he's not staying at a friends' house. He's just not here anymore.

I don't really know how I'm doing. I guess I am doing well with everything, I don't really know what's normal. Socially, I don't think I'm doing that great. I don't really know how to act or what to say. On one hand, I dread people asking about anything and having to talk about things because I feel like a breakdown is constantly swelling below the surface and will suddenly and unexpectedly appear and I don't want to make people feel awkward. And while I enjoy the distraction of normal conversation and totally need normalcy, at the same time, when they don't ask in the meaningful tone of voice, How are you doing with everything?, (very different from the casual "how are you?" that is exchanged every day) and just talk about day-to-day happenings in their lives like nothing has happened, I'm surprised at how deeply hurt I feel by it. Like everything else is just trivial. So I go back and forth, a rollercoaster. Logically, I think I need to be around people and interact with my friends. But I am in pain. I feel broken and weak even though I can feel we are being supported by the heavens. I just don't feel "normal" yet and don't know what can be expected of me.

Okay, trying to stay on task. Trying to get caught up. Included in this whirlwind of the last month, we have been to Washington, Oregon, and Orlando, Florida. We also celebrated our 3 year anniversary in there. So for journaling sake, here we go.

We were in Seattle with Cathy, Jason's sister, Cannon Beach with my parents, and back to the middle of Washington for a 3 day family reunion with extended fam Thanksgiving week. It was a fabulous week, and the Oregon coast, no matter the time of year, is probably as close to heaven as you can get here on earth. :)

We were in Orlando from December 12th through the 16th. Given everything that had transpired we considered cancelling the trip. But decided a little poolside and a little Shamu might do us some good. And it did! It was wonderful. I never knew Orlando was such a cool city. And 80 degrees in December. Too much to do and see for the time we had but we did our best.

We hope (and pray, let's be honest) this is the one and only time Lucy poses in her swimsuit for the camera. :)

At least Jason is an awesome photographer and knows how to capture my most super flattering moments. Something I can always count on:)...

Speaking of flattering, a real sobering moment in the life of a pregnant woman is when the zipper completely busts out on the pair of her favorite skinny jeans. Sobering, indeed. Little sister is making her presence known more and more every day. And I guess skinny jeans and pregnancy don't belong together, anyway. Makes you kinda look like an ice-cream cone.

Look at this little mama. mmmm she is so yummy.

And, finally, Happy 3 years to my sweetheart, Jason. You are the greatest man I've ever known. You are the truest and most loyal friend of my heart. You teach me so much. You make me a better woman in so many ways that you aren't even aware of. You are the most exceptional father. Thank you for every. single. day. of these three years, and all the days before these 3 years started that you put up with me and waited for me and fought for me. I love you more than words can say.