A birth to celebrate

Yesterday was Jesse's birthday. He would have been 33. I kept feeling like I should write about him and his special day and then kept putting it off, avoiding the inevitable flood of emotion that sometimes you just don't feel like feeling. Like, I'd think about it being his birthday and then get a sick pit in my stomach and then make myself think of something else. Like organizing my closet. And so I did that instead. And if you ask what I did the rest of the day, I'm not ashamed to tell you that it took all day to organize my closet.

Oh Jesse. Jesse, Jesse, Jesse. Yesterday morning mom called me and told me through tears we were starting a family tradition on your birthday. She told me I needed to go to Baskin Robbins and get some pistachio almond ice cream because it was your favorite. So your brother and sisters and parents in different states all hoovered pistachio almond ice cream yesterday on your behalf. Jason was at work all day and when he got home he was hustling and bustling around because he was having all the young men in our ward over for a barbeque. So the ice-cream would have to wait. By the time we got everyone scooted out it was Lucy's bed time and Scarlett wanted to nurse, so Jason and I divided and conquered. I put Lucy to bed and he nursed Scarlett. Just kidding. :) After that was taken care of, Jason had DVRed game 6 of the NBA finals, so of course that had to begin immediately. That's puts us at about 9:30. So Jason stayed behind and I ventured out all alone (thankful for a little alone time, even if it was driving to get ice cream and driving home) to BR. I let myself think about you finally after avoiding it all day. And the visual that kept coming to mind was of mom and dad in the hospital holding their tiny firstborn son for the very first time.

I was thinking of all of the wonder and awe that came with that moment. They hadn't met any of us yet, but 33 years ago yesterday, they were introduced to you. And you were the one who introduced them to "parent love". As a mom I can say that "mother love" is totally different than any other love I'd ever known prior. You were the one to let mom feel mother love and dad feel father love for the very first time in their lives. Leading up to having a second child, I worried (as everyone does) that I just wouldn't have the capacity to love another child as much as the first. I can say I do love Scarlett every bit as much as I love Lucy. The difference is, the love that overwhelmed me for Lucy was such a total shock on my senses. I didn't have any idea that was coming to that magnitude. I wasn't prepared for it. It sorta made me crazy for a bit (the craziness related to that love is mostly under control, but still comes in waves). The moment I held Lucy in my arms for the first time was extremely pivotal in my existence. Everything in my life changed, and I knew it had changed forever. I was thrilled to feel that same degree of "mother love" holding Scarlett, but it was more like... a sense of rightness for me... like, Oh yeah... I remember, this is the way it's supposed to feel, because I was more prepared for it. It wasn't quite as mind-blowing as the first time around because I'd felt it before and had been feeling it for a solid 21 months for her older sister.

So, you were the one who had the priviledge of giving that to our parents for the first time. You were the one who took their breath away, because they just didn't know they could love so much before you. You were the one who taught them what sacred responsibility comes with bringing a child into the world, and paved the way for us to follow you down from heaven. What a special honor. I'm so thankful you were born Jess...so thankful you were born to our family, so thankful you are ours.

Happy Birthday Jess. I love you, brother, and I miss you. (And I'm poaching this pic of you from Nessa's blog because I love it so much. Don't you judge me.)