My Shepherd will Supply my Need

I don't really know what I'm supposed to write about now. What's "appropriate" or what people will be expecting. I find that expressing my feelings has been more difficult than ever this week. So bear with me.

I came home today from my parents' house in Idaho Falls. I have been dreading coming home to tell you the truth. I haven't really known how to emotionally digest the events of last Tuesday morning. I left the day after he passed away for Idaho and have been trying to figure out how to avoid coming back since. I've been trying to figure out a way I could convince Jason that we needed to sell this house and move. But I love this house. This is where we brought Lucy as a tiny newborn and where we will bring our next brand new angel. This is our home, our refuge, our sanctuary.

My grieving process has been different than that of my parents or siblings. From Tuesday to Saturday, the day of the funeral, I felt such a wide range of emotion but was surprised to primarily feel resentment. I felt angry for the way I found my brother in our home. I felt anger that for that entire first 36 hours after I found him and before leaving up to my parents’ house, I felt inexplicable trembling fear. And then I felt more anger for feeling angry because we were clinging together as family and there was an intruder in my heart that I knew shouldn't be welcomed there. It didn't belong. I knew my anger was preventing me from being truly comforted by the Spirit of the Lord like I longed to be. Since Saturday I have been feeling the burden lifting. I have been feeling more tenderness and softness in my heart; more understanding. I have been feeling more love. I suppose I just need to allow myself to feel whatever it is that I feel and be patient with myself while I process it all. I need to not rush the feelings, and I do have faith that a little time will do me so much good. I also know with certainty that the atonement of Jesus Christ heals all wounds and that through faith in Him I will be healed. Our home is a sacred place, it is our temple, and I know that through the Lord, all feelings of peace and security I previously felt in our home can and will be restored to me.

If I ever doubted how aware my Heavenly Father is of me, this week has been a resounding confirmation of those truths I have been told since I was a child. That He knows me. That He knows my heart and my feelings. That His love for me knows no bounds and that He wants me to feel His love in my life. That He accepts me despite so many weaknesses. I have felt sustained and supported. I know my family members have felt the same. We have been bound together like never before. What a blessing my parents, my siblings and their spouses are in my life. How much I admire them. What immeasureable light our children bring to us. And how much I need my sweetheart husband in order to breathe is something I never realized quite so much. How grateful I am to know my family is forever.

The Lord has sent angels to me, ones I cannot see and ones I can see very well. So many of you have been those angels. I walked upstairs today lead by my husband's hand and was shocked to find that the two guest bedrooms and baths that Jess occupied while living here had been totally cleaned out, furniture rearranged, and everything redecorated. I wept. I felt relief wash through me. Healing relief. What an answer to prayers. Thank you Kacy. Thank you, my neighbors and dear friends who have provided other relief.

My angel mother-in-law and sisters-in-law have been here this week cleaning as well. The house probably hasn't been this clean since we moved in. I cannot thank you enough.

Countless emails and messages of love and concern have come streaming through to our family. Such an outpouring of Christ-like love. Empathy is underrated. It is a powerful ability that the human family possesses to reach out to brothers and sisters and to aid in healing. Thank you to all of you who have reached out to us or said a prayer on our behalf. Every one of you has been a blessing.

We know that Jesse is mercifully freed from the mortal challenges and suffering he faced. We will miss him so much. We are so sorrowful to know we won’t be with him until after we leave this life, but we know that God's plan of salvation for His children is real and that our brother is waiting for us.

The funeral was a wonderful service and honor to Jesse. The siblings together shared the privilege of the life sketch, my sisters and I sang, Jason spoke and my father spoke as well. It was a sacred experience for us. We felt him near. One of the quotes that Jason shared was along the lines that the only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life. We would never wish to take love out of this life. And so we must, grudgingly at times, accept the opposition in all things. Jesse, we love you so much. We have shared so many laughs and memories together. Jason, Lucy and I are honored to have spent your last few months of earth life with you. Lucy loved you so much, and you her. We will tell her all about you. We are so thankful that Heavenly Father gave you to us, your earthly family. We will continue to love you always and will look forward to the day that we can all be together again.

These are the lyrics to the song we sang for Jesse on Saturday. We're sure that he loved it.

My Shepherd will supply my need
Jehovah is His Name;
In pastures fresh, He makes me feed,
Beside the living stream.
He brings my wandering spirit back
When I forsake His ways,
And leads me, for His mercy's sake,
In paths of truth and grace.
When I walk through the shades of death,
Thy presence is my stay;
A word of Thy supporting breath
Drives all my fears away.
Thy hand, in sight of all my foes,
Doth still my table spread;
My cup with blessings overflows,
Thine oil anoints my head.
The sure provisions of my God
Attend me all my days;
O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise!
There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come;
No more a stranger, nor a guest,
But like a child at home.