38 weeks

Amy took these pictures for us last week. And looking at the ones with Lucy make me cry. I have been extra weepy lately (ex: yesterday in Sunday school, I was whispering to Jason about something and he told me, "I don't want to talk about it right now, we can another time". I told him he was being judgy and self righteous, and that I never tell him not to talk to me even if it's during sunday school and nothing remotely related to spiritual things. And then I turned and felt the all too familiar sting set in as my eyes welled up with tears. Crying about 3 or 4 times a day as of late.) As I have said before, having this baby makes the reality set in that Lucy is not a baby anymore. I don't want her to grow anymore. I want to freeze time. I've felt like this every day since she was born. I have never wanted the next stage to come. It's always exciting but throughout these past 20 months, I have shed many tears over the arrival of the next stage. I don't ever want her to stop thinking Jason and I are the cat's meow. (I think of those teens out there who think their parents are lame and it just makes me shudder. And then I imagine me trying to convince her of how cool I once was and how I know what's up and then how the desperation would make me a lame mom.) I don't want her to say any more words. Her vocabulary is exploding right now. She has always said, "gaw!" for frog but she isn't saying it anymore because she's realizing she isn't saying it correctly. So gaw is evolving. And I hate it. She says, "wabi," for water and that's the way I want it to stay forever. (Yes that's right, when she's 18 and on a date I prefer that she order a glass of ice-wabi.) But I'll inevitably go into another depression when she actually starts saying the word, "water". I don't want her to ever stop wanting to hold my hand when she is winding down for a nap or bedtime, I don't want her to stop shoving her hand down my shirt to feel the skin on my upper arm for her comfort. I realize that those little quirks probably won't work for her in 15 years, so we've just got to do something to keep her miniature. She is just the perfect size right now for my arms.

I guess I've just been kindof sad for her lately because this new little boo-boo is so close to arriving and I don't want to have to divide my attention. Even though I know the drill, it helps them be socially balanced, helps them learn to adapt, siblings are the greatest thing ever, etc. etc. yada yada yada. Trust me. I know, I'm obsessed with my siblings. It's still just the fact that a huge transition is headed our way and the little dear has no idea it's even coming.

Don't know if my heart can withstand any more of this mother love. I keep being told that it can and it will, just the same with this second tiny girl. But sometimes it feels burdensome to love so much.

P.S. I am 100% effaced, at 3 centimeters, and having lots of fun contractions. So it could be any day now! Doc asked this morning if I wanted my membranes stripped, and I told him not yet. I have a hair appointment on Thursday that we need to make it to. So I'll keep you posted. :)