Baby stuff and hormone stuff and more

It's 6:45 AM. Been up since about 5 nursing baby girl and couldn't fall back asleep. She is a great eater, just like her mother. In fact, I'm sitting here at the computer shoving a huge chocolate chip cookie down my gullet, and a huge glass of milk. Wish it was whole milk. And I just noticed a big glob of chocolate that somehow managed itself onto the computer mouse, and I've been smearing it all over it. Maybe I'll smear it around on my face for added affect. Jason brought the cookie home for me last night but I didn't have the energy to eat it. I was off to bed and he told me I was an ingrate, considering I just left the gift he brought me on the counter in it's lonely little Paradise Bakery bag. We went back and forth a little, me pleading with him not to eat it, him telling me he was gonna eat it as soon as I was in bed, me protesting, "I really want to eat it tomorrow!" Him saying, "Forget about it, it's over". So you can imagine my delight upon stumbling into the kitchen at the crack of dawn and spying it still sitting in it's little baggy. What a good chap I married.

Scarlett is one week old today. She is feeling like one of the family now. She really is. It's odd how for the first few days you just look at their little faces in awe and think, "Who is this little stranger??" I told my mom, weeping and snotting all over the place in an exhausted heap, that I felt like I was Scarlett's mother, and like I was Lucy's mother, but not both at the same time. Like those two worlds were totally separate and had not meshed yet. I guess I've been feeling guilty because I missed Lucy so much while we were in the hospital and then as soon as we got home she stressed me out so much that I just wanted to put her to bed immediately. Then once she'd been put to bed I cried some more from missing her again. She's mostly been stressing me out trying to give Scarlett tickle torture after tickle torture, (her tickle tortures consist of unintentionally scratching up skin of recipient) or trying to poke her eyes out because she wants her eyes open, or trying to touch her not fully healed belly button. So mother bear takes over and Lucy becomes the hunter in the forest after my cub. And I've had to roar and grunt a little, occasionally swiping with my paw. Not to inflict pain, just to shoo away. Then I remember Lucy is also my cub, and I shouldn't be swiping and shooing so much. So I've been weepy this week. But it's getting better. I can feel the worlds coming together, where I can be the mother of both wee little lasses at the same time. Hopefully a good mother at that.

I'm really hormonal. At least it's steadily been getting a little better. Do I talk about hormones a lot? It's just that being a woman has some really fun perks; pregnancy hormones, post baby hormones, PMSing... overall it's just a really fun package. Jason went up to the Jazz play-off game last Friday night. I'd already told him I thought it would be okay because my mom is here even when he said he didn't really care that much and if I didn't want him to go he would stay home. I thought it would be good for him to get out because he'd been working from home a lot the days leading up to baby and the days after. And he's been cleaning the kitchen and being a peach. So he brought the game up again after we'd already discussed it and I flew off the handle. "Don't you remember I said, 'It will probably be okay'?! 'We'll see how I'm feeling on Friday'?!?' Don't you remember that stipulation?? I just thought you'd be able to see for yourself I'm not feeling okay and that you wouldn't even bring it up!! But I have to tell you everything!" He said it was fine, mentioning something about the games not being as fun anyway because I'm not as into it this year as in the past. And if I was gonna be all mad about it, he wouldn't go. And strangely, that made me much more fiery hot with anger. Somehow, it just wasn't the right thing to say. "So, just to keep me from being mad you'll stay? There's nothing else that would compel you to stay, huh?! How 'bout the fact that I birthed our second child 2 days ago?" And then I got up and while exiting the room told him to go, that he'd sacrificed way too much fun and freedom already that week. A little later I decided I really honestly didn't care if he went, and he skipped around like a little puppy dog who needed to go potty and was finally being let outside. I didn't let him out though without reminding him how freaking cool his wife is.

Last night I also told Jason I wanted to break up. Not a divorce, but a break up. I was listening to some sappy music the other day and feeling all dramatic and actually missing going through break ups, even though they were the absolute worst. Remember the days when you used to go for a drive and BLARE Incubus or Coldplay or Dashboard and bawl your eyes out because you just didn't know how you could get through it? And you'd have all-night bawl sessions with roommates and order pizza and become a total recluse and hate the world? So I told him I might have to start seeing someone on the side, nothing serious but just a few dates so then I could break up with him. Jason said, "Maybe you could have him over for a movie night or something." I initially thought that might be okay. We tried to work out the details but it wasn't really flowing, so he and I just decided we would leave other people completely out of it, we would continue to live together and raise our babies together, he would continue to financially and emotionally support me and I'd continue to cook and clean for him and counsel with him about work challenges, but we decided we were better off as just friends. Eventually, maybe we'd become friends with benefits (after a full recovery) but that for now we didn't want any of the romance stuff to ruin our friendship. So I'll let you know how that goes for us. Hopefully he'll come running back to me and tell me he wants it all or nothin' and that being my friend will never be good enough. He'll hopefully say it's been eating him up inside and he can't sleep or eat because of it. And then we'll suddenly run towards each other and clumsily start making out and agree to take it past friendship again. And we'll have butterflies. But I probably won't give in right away. I mean, even after I let him make out with me, he'll have to work for it. (Hubby just read this and said, "You know some people will read this and won't get it at all. They'll take you literally and think you're being serious." I normally refuse to say, "just kidding," because really? Do I honestly have to clarify that we weren't seriously contemplating a boyfriend on the side for me? And that Jason wasn't being serious when he said to invite him over for a movie night? That weirds me out, people.)

I have the sweetest little girls in existence. Scarlett has been an absolute angel. She is so outrageously sweet. And now I am listening to Jason watch Super Why with Lucy, and he is singing along with the song, word for word. Moments hit me when I think my heart just might burst out of my chest. Overall, I think we are transitioning really well. Yes. The two worlds are starting to become one. I'll let you know how it goes when my mom leaves. Not a happy thought. (Pray the Jazz are out of the play-offs by then.)